Age 4

I remember my mother running into the living room and telling us kids (my older brother and myself) to go to our rooms and stay there, that "our father was home" and we knew what that meant.



Our father, not really, only my father. Michael's father lived in town and had already re-married also.



We shared a bedroom, only because I was scared of the dark. I was scared of everything back then and rightfully so. As we ran into the bedroom and my brother shut the door behind us, Michael tells me to not cry and if I can't help it, then to cry into the pillow. We both knew what was about to happen. My father had received the divorced papers at the office, at that time of the day he was just starting his drinking, so for him to come home at that hour, we knew what was about to happen.



I was setting on the edge of the bed when I hear the door slam and my father yelling louder then I have ever heard him yell before. I jump so high off the bed that it made my brother bust out with laughter, only to have my father hit the wall open handed and yell "shut -it up in there or I'll come in there and shut you up!" I started to cry.



Michael comes and sets beside me on the bed and puts his arm around me with a whisper in my ear of "he'll be gone before long, he won't stay"but I knew he wouldn't leave, not without leaving his mark. He couldn't leave without leaving a mark or being the bully in-which he was.



We sat on that bed almost motionless, but tons of emotions are swirling the house. I hear my mother talking in her quietness, but my father keeps yelling over her words, to the point of not being able to detect what she is saying. "you bitch, you think your gonna take what is MINE! I don't fucking think so! I'll fucking kill you and those fucking kids. They won't even know you ever existed when I'm done with you!" I hear him smack her down and she hits the floor. This sound I heard so many times before, it was a sound that became so common in our house, it was like hearing the phone ring, it was just that common.



I jerked into my brother shoulder and hid my face and started to cry harder. He whispers to "please be quiet", but I have no control and I start to wet myself. This had become a habit of mine when I became scared. In fact I was a bed-wetter up until I was 10 years old, mostly at night being to scared to get up out of bed to go to the restroom.



Michael scolds me in his quiet but gentle way "Cat....he whispers...I won't let anything happen, I promise. I think he is leaving. Look. See, he is starting his car".



We creep out of our room, to see my mother setting at the kitchen table with her hand over the right side of her face. I ran up to her and she hugs me and my brother..."are you o.k. mommy?...Yes, lovie, He's gone" I stopped shaking at that very moment.



"We have to leave soon, he'll be back and we know what condition he'll be in the next time" Michael says. My mother starts packing us overnight bags. She ask Michael to call the Neighbors and Family members to let them know what was happening. The family and neighbors all knew my father and his ways. They all knew he beat my mother on a daily or nightly basis.



My father was a prominent man in our community as a Attorney, along with being the owner of the Grainary and also one of, if not THE largest farmer in the county. Owning 2700 acre farm. Not only a Alcoholic, but a workaholic and a very rich man. Back in the 1960's money talked. It didn't matter what you did, if you donated money to the Mayors campaign or walked into the neighborhood bar and bought rounds of drinks all-night to the city and county officials, well then you could beat your wife nightly with the Sheriff being called every night, but nothing ever being done about it. The Police would come to the house and ask him to step outside, maybe talk with him for awhile and then be on their way, to their cozy family with dinner on the table awaiting on their return.

On Saturday mornings we would go into town to pay bills or shop for a while. My mom would see her friends or my Dad's employee's wives. You could see the pity they had for her my mother, but my mother always held her head high and would tell us kids to smile, be polite, and kept our business to our self, almost like being the perfect family. I'm sure we looked like it from the outside looking in, but most of the town's people were on the inside and knew what my father was capable of doing to my mother or us kids. Although he never touched me, he did beat on my brothers along with my mother, but with my brothers came the time that they both turned on him one evening when he had been on a 2 day drunk and they put him into the hospital for 11 days, but by this time we had already left the house and was living elsewhere.



My father wasn't always a alcoholic, it just became that way when he acquired all of these business's. With the stress of being a owner of more then you can handle, came the problems of finding something to take his mind off the responsibilities. He worked hard at being a alcoholic, I believe he worked harder at that then he did at being a husband or father. Over time it became his DNA and it kept him alive.



As the day prolonged and we were not moving as fast as we should have been, the night and evening was on us. I remember my mother saying, "we are taking to long, Michael get off the phone. We need to leave now" I think I was the first into the car when I see the dust from the road telling us that someone was flying towards our farm at a high rate of speed. It was him. I started screaming as soon as I seen the headlights hit the front of the car.



It was like the universe feed us energy. The stress and screaming was out of control . My mother is yelling at Michael to get into the car and lock the door, she is trying to get into the car herself and lock her door, while trying to start the car and get us moving so that he couldn't try to break the windshield, that she had just had fixed the week prior or rip into the convertible lining on her Cadillac........that he never let her forget he purchased for her, but it was really bought for her because she wouldn't come back home after one of the other times he had beaten her into a coma and broke her face......literally. My mother had more titanium in her face then the space shuttle.



It all couldn't work out as planned. No, not our luck. My father jumps out of his car while still in motion and rolls into the side of the barn and finally coming to a halt. He jumps onto the hood of the car as we are moving. Each of us screaming at her to GO! She slams on her brakes bring us to a abrupt stop. He rolls off the hood onto the ground in front of her car. She won't go forward, she just stops and starts to cry, she knows he has her again. She yells at him to get away from the car through the driver side window. I being in the back seat, have my face smashed up against it yelling "daddy go away, leave mommy alone. Please daddy let us leave" he comes to my window and tells my mom through the rolled up window that she can't take me with her, then he looks into my eyes (I will never forget this) and says "daddy can't live without his baby girl, open your door sweetheart. Look, daddy got you a new kitten, open the door so I can show you" I actually stopped crying and went to unlock the door when my brother leaped over the driver side seat and stopped me. When he does, this makes my father go into a fit. My father turned into a monster, he started yelling and spit was coming out of his mouth"open the door you little Bitch! Your just like you fucking mother you idiot! open the door or I'll beat your ass when I get you out!" I have and will NEVER forget that look on his face. It was like a switch that switched him into evil, he had pure hatred in his eyes.



He started towards the barn to get a weapon no doubt to knock out the windshield again, when my mother had her opening to drive off and she did. We went to my Uncle Jessie and Aunt Jo's house, my mother knew that was the ONLY place we would be safe. My father feared my Uncle Jessie and the last time my father put my mother into the hospital my Uncle paid my dad a visit and told him that if he ever laid a hand on my mom again, the authorities would never find his body. (I can promise you that my Uncle Jessie was telling the truth when he said that to my father......my Uncle Jessie was a tumbler and the family has always swore he was involved with the underground and had connections. He was Murdered in downtown Chicago in 1980 and the murder has never been solved. He was gunned down in front of a night club on Michigan Avenue).



I went 3 years after that of not knowing or caring where my father was. I remembered the next time I seen him. I was in a parade on our town square and he showed up out of no-where. He was drunk of course and showed his ass in front of my twirling squad and was arrested.



It wasn't until I was 18 that I seen my dad again. He was sober. He and my mother tried to rekindle their relationship, but it never worked. I believe I had a little to do with their never working it out. I was older and hated him and made sure I caused enough trouble to keep him away from my mother and my brother, along with myself.



4 Years ago I received a call out of the blue from my Half brother from Florida. He and my Sister had been out of my life for 30 years without any contact, to now him calling me to tell me that our father was dying from lung cancer. At first I had no emotion, then I felt I should be there. So my husband and I jumped on a plane and flew to New York City. They (my half brother and sister) had told me that our father didn't want me there until he was close to dying, so they respected his wishes and had not contacted me until there was only hours left. I'm not really sure if that is true, other then he, my father may have not wanted time to answer the questions I had for him, like: Why haven't you been a part of my life and why haven't you contacted me except the calls maybe every 5-8 years apart along with no visits. He just may have not wanted to answer my questions or it may have been their choice to not have me there since they had all rights to the will that cut me out of to only 10 percent (what the state requires for a child, the less amount he could leave me was 10 % and they were left 45% each of a 4 million dollar estate). I'm not sure of why it had to happen like this or why they did and said a lot of what they said, but I know that when we landed my cell phone rang to hearing my sister crying and saying that he had just passed.



They (my Half-brother & sister) of course left my dad's body there at the hospital until I could get to the hospital and say my goodbyes (I So respect them for at least giving me that....NOT) but for some reason they decided to put me in a hotel (at my expense) the first night, instead of putting me and my husband in one of dad's 7-apartments or 3 houses.

No, they had something to hide before allowing me to come to his primary home. Things where very strained at first, then as days went by I let all of the past and present go. They had the same father I had, I know he was awful to their mother, who he beat for years until my father left their mother for my mother...........I believe that is why they have never accepted me to be a part of their life's, until just here recently (and I only believe they have done so because they have come to realise that I'm quite comfortable and may have something for them.....NEVER! Not even a glass of water do I have for them).

My brother who was the Chief of Police in Ft. Lauderdale Florida, until he had gotten into some trouble and was asked to leave the department, and then, and only then, he asked me if he come here to see me for a few weeks......3 to be exact....while he get his head on straight. I decided to let him come for the 3 weeks. Bad mistake. He thought I should treat him like a fucking KING and kiss his ass the whole time he was here. It came time for hm to leave, I think it was 2 days prior to him leaving when I finally blew up on him and told him what I really thought about him, my sister and how they handled my dad's affairs and the whole estate stuff. I told him I believed he and my sister kept me from coming to the house so that they had time to remove anything in the house that might show that my dad cared for me and my mother (because there wasn't one picture of me or my family, which I had sent to him every year and they kept telling me that my father hated me and my mother).

I told him that he and my sister didn't do a very good job hiding everything because I found a picture in the belongings that the hospital had dropped off, it was a picture I had NEVER seen EVER. It was a picture of my mother holding me while she sat on the hospital bed just moments after giving birth to me. Not even my mother had that picture and it was in his wallet right behind his driver license, so if my father hated me and my mother so badly, why would he have kept a picture of such magnitude. WHY? If my father loved their mother so much, where was her pictures? What I'm saying is, don't lie about things that can make or break a person to the point of a breakdown. I literally believed that my father hated us until I found that picture and then I knew, it was like my mother was working this all out from heaven and letting her little girl know that they are liars and heartless at best.

Never again. Nope! I tried to be his and her sister, almost to the point of losing myself by giving so much to have them love and accept me, but it just didn't feel right. I still believe they have hidden things from me and spent money, sold property and cashed in life insurances that did not belong to them. I'm grown now and can protect myself from them and I will do just that. I told him I will not research this matter, but feel that he should know that it still comes to me at night in my dreams. I believe that there is something here that they are not telling me or giving me, but as time goes on it will come out, I believe that. I believe in Karma and if they are smart they will come clean before Karma hurts them so badly that not even God will help.

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I awoke this morning to a (minus) -12 degrees with windchill at -18 degrees. Nothing works in negative degrees. Nothing.

My car didn't want to start, my garage door was frozen to the (concrete) drive and our electricity is going off and on. Without electric, we have no HEAT! I don't think I can make it without heat. I told my husband that we should go to a hotel tonight (just in-case) we should lose our power. I spoke to a friend of mine who is living in Florida for the winter months and she said it was in the lower 40's there.....in Florida!

What the heck? Even the warm States are going through a cold spell. My mother-in-law who lives in Alabama (it is usually in the lower 70's during the month of January) said it was in the lower 40's and had gotten down into the 30's overnight. She had to turn on her furnace, which are wall unit that burn natural gas, but in no-way would I consider it a furnace. It only heats the room in-which it is located in, so it does not distribute heat through-out like my Real furnace does.

It stays so warm down in Alabama, that most people don't have garages, they have car-ports. It just covers the top of the car with 2 sides exposed and 2 sides closed to the elements. Here we have to have garages or the weather will damage our vehicle's.

In the summer we have BAD storms. Tornado's and hail to the point that if your vehicle's are outside, they will receive some sort of damage from it. And then you have our blistering winters with (minus) degree's of coldness and ice to the extreme of losing power for days until the electric company can make it to your home. If you live in the country you may be without power for weeks. Most have generators to use so that you can have heat and minimal lighting at night.

Years ago in March of 1990 (on my birthday to be exact) we had a very bad Ice storm that last for 3 days and 2 nights. The ice was 4 - 6 inches thick on the power lines and trees, which made them snap in two. We had a tree that was many years old. It decided that it could no longer take the weight of the ice and snow. Well, it broke onto our house, luckily it landed more so on our garage instead of the house and didn't expose us to the cold, but sure did scare the shit out of me when it hit the house/garage and made the most god-awful sound.

We were stranded in our house for 4 days without power or heat. The Governor had made it a State of Emergency and you could only be out if it was an emergency and if caught they would prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.

We had snowmobiles and were able to get to family and friends who needed medicine or food. We used the fireplace that we had in our family room for heat and cooking. We shut off the other rooms with plastic to keep the heat in one room and cooking off the fire. We unfortunately did not have a Generator and could not fine one or a vacant hotel within our city limits or next city over. Everything around us was sold out or occupied. Not even milk or bread was available for weeks until the ice and snow melted to be able to get trucks into our city. It was a mess.

I remembered reading somewhere that 9 months later from the date of the storm there was recorded record amount of babies born ever in our city. I guess we all know what most couples were doing with their time being shut in their house with nothing else to do but make babies.

It was a fun time although I was sick to death of Chili and Soups. That was all we had to make over a open flame and couldn't find anything else in what few stores that were open.......and even that was very limited. Some stores stayed closed for almost a month before they re-stocked their inventory to open back up.

We have had a few more Ice storms since. We even had one a month ago, but nothing compared to that one. I think it made history for the longest and most dangerous Ice storm on record for the Mid-West.

Oh well, I don't think our community could take another jump in the population like it did back then. We would need to build on to our maternity wards in our 3 hospitals, cause god knows just the 3 wards that we have is nearly not enough. They were birthing babies in the Emergency Rooms because they had ran out of rooms and space within the hospital. Now that's bad.

Why?

Why is it that I change back to Blogger/Blogspot and have to regret it?

I received a strange email today from some person/lady who said that she has been receiving emails addressed to me, but are being sent to her address.

This person(s) email is a work email, but in no way is it me or mine. This person also said that she thought maybe they (blogger) had published the wrong address for a while now. But that can't be, I said, because I have received some emails from some of my readers as early as this morning and they came to me?

This young lady explained that she use to blog, but no longer because something very close to this happened to her and she had gotten into some trouble for it from her employer.

I know that there is a lot of "Cat's" in the blogsphere and it is confusing........maybe due to the lack of imagination on my part (who knows) and I have been concern to the fact and have even thought about changing my user name and even my blog, but what would I change it too?

Who knows, I just know that I'm sick to freaking death of blogger or blogspot I should say, fucking up my stuff!

SURPRISE!

Hubby, Boys and I have had family at the house since Christmas Eve and have fully enjoyed them, but since having company Hubby and I haven't gotten to exchange our Christmas UNTIL LAST NIGHT! LOOK at what I got from my loving and very good taste of a Hubby.

I have to say I was quite surpirsed since I love my original wedding ring and would have never thought he would buy another, since my first one cost him 2 month wages, but he said he seen this and thought of me............what a charmer.

We still have company and will continue to have until Jan 3rd. When they will all be heading back to their home states. I think it is a total of 6 adults and 9 kids, WOW alot of company, but we love it.

I bought the Hubby some sport Tickets to a couple of Football games and 5 Basketball games, but I'm feeling a bit under budget since he spent WAY more then I. Oh well, it's the thought that counts and the diamonds!!!!

I Slept...............................

Wow, hard to imagine that 2008 is ending in just a few days. I think about the good and the bad when I think of the past year. In ways I believe it has been a test, a test of the weak verse the strong.

I think back to just a year ago and feel that it has been years, not months. I feel like I have been asleep this whole time and just wakening to see what is actually going on. Now.

I'm finally getting back to myself and my old ways, it has taken along time for me, even though it really hasn't been that long at all, but for some reason it seems like centuries.

I miss so many people and even a few things that have left my life, but there is not much I can do about it now. They or it, is gone. Poof. Gone.

I hope that 2009 is a much better year, not just for myself, but for all.

What is your plans for 2009? Anything great? Are you moving? Starting a new? A new Job or new friendship? I wish I had the nerve to up-root everything and move away to find everything a-new. I have always thought that would be a fun thing to do, up-root everything to a new home and city where you have never been and know no one. Leaving for college wasn't even close for me, even though it was across country, it didn't seem like I was walking into the un-known. I knew where I was going and had to be in a few days, so it wasn't like having it all be a surprise.

I hope everyone had a great Christmas and you all were surrounded by loved ones and may you have a Happy New Year!

Favorite Pair of Jeans

I don't own very many jeans with holes in them, all thou I do like jeans that look worn'- out. I just can't believe how much the "old look" cost now days. You can spend a fortune on just 1 pair.

These are my favorite pair, EVER!

Everyone has their favorite pair of Jeans. These are mine and I love them, I really, really do. they are a brand called "Lucky".

We have a "Lucky' brand store here in my city and I shop there quite often. I had purchased these jeans back in May of this year and when I first tried them on I had that "Ah, all is right with the world" moment. Not too tight, not to loose, just right.

They are my very favorite, favorite pair and I have had a hard time finding a another pair like them. I have ordered from the store, I have been on e-bay, have even asked the store to contact the buyer and ask if they could find the Maker's Number and order me another pair to be made and I would be more then happy to pay more for this service.......No deal, I can't find another pair of these anywhere.

I love jeans and have always had a thing for them. I have shoes, purses, quilts and even prints of jeans. I love them that much.

This print below is hanging in my family room. The artist name is "Eddie Lawrence", he is awesome. I have actually found this same print in most print shops and it is very reasonable. I know, "how corny" or how "70'ish", but I really do love jeans and anything with denim.

There is nothing better then being at a Lake or Beach all day and going home to shower and put on your favorite pair of jeans. You know that feeling.

I love to see women with a good tan and painted toes and a awesome pair of jeans on. Nothing sexier..................................nope.

MeMe From Kitty

Start with your name:
Cat

If your ex REALLY needed you at 3 am, would you go to his/her house?
Wow, a hard one already. Probably, only because he wouldn't call me unless it was really important.

When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face?
I'm not a hitter. Don't really care much for violence. If I had to pick someone it would who ever hit me first ..........how's that being politcally correct. O.k. maybe, just a tiny little bit would love to smash my sister-inlaw in the face.

What are the last three things you spent money on?
Shoes, shoes and shoes.......my habit is showing.

What was the last thing you cried about?
Last night. It was a subject about my sister-inlaw ( I know, I want to smash one sister-inlaw in the face and Cry about another one. I'm weird) who passed away.

Could you go a day without eating?
NO, this is a bad subject with me right now........I'll blog about it later.

Have you ever kissed anyone whose name started with a J?
Yes, I'll just leave it at that.

Do you smoke weed regularly?
Nope to the Dope.

Drugs are bad?
This is a tricky question. Some are and some aren't.

Has anyone ever told you they're in love with you?
Yes and I hope that only people who mean it, say it.

When was the last time you were disappointed?
Daily

Has a girl ever seriously punched you?
Hell NO!

What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
My Coffee Cup.

Have you kissed two different people in one night?
Um, Yes.

Is it easy for others to make you feel awkward?
NO! Never. I never let anyone get to me. EVER!

In the past week have you felt stupid?
Being a women I think we are always fighting this feeling. But, I try to never feel Stupid about anything.

What's the age difference between you and the last person you kissed?
He is 16 years older then I.

Have you ever been outside completely naked?
Many times.

What would happen if you had a baby with the last person you kissed?
I would be suing a doctor.

Who did you text the most yesterday?
My daughter, I was out of town most of it and needed to talk with her.

What were you doing at 10pm Friday night?
I was at the Movies.

What are your plans for today?
Try and get caught up at work, my daily struggle.

Could you go the rest of your life without smoking a cigarette?
I use to smoke years ago, so I hope that I could.

What was the last reason you went to the doctor for?
Testing for my Lupus. YUCK!

What is the last thing you yelled aloud?
DAMN IT! YOU FUCKERS!

What do you think of when you think of Australia?
Kitty, Fingers, BoBo, a few others.

Do you have any gay/lesbian friends?
Of course many.

Have you ever kissed the last person you texted?
Yes, it's my daughter.

What's one action you do when you're really nervous?
Think WAY to fast and stutter over my words......have to take a deep breath and calm down.

Would you rather give up the computer or the TV?
T.V. I have been without my computer and it is no fun.

Do you find yourself saying mean things to people over the internet that you wouldn't say to their face?
No, Hate mean people. But if it should become necessary I most certainly would.

One word that explains perfectly how you feel at the moment?
Restless.

What did the last text message you received say?
Miss you.

Do you care if people hate you for no reason?
No, I could careless. If they hate me why care?

How hard is your life right now?
Not to bad right this minute.

Have you ever taken anyone for granted?
Sad to say, but yes.

The end.

MeMe from the beautiful Kitty.