Waking this morning in a different bed, different room, even the smells are all different. This is not my home, my shower, my towels, all belongs to someone else.
I'm so thankful for my lovely daughter. she has had her own problems and doesn't need to be burden with mine, she is so sweet caring and I know that she Love's me so.
She just purchased her 1st home and now has her mother moving into one of her guess rooms and bath. Not the house warming present she was hoping for I'm sure.
I try not to show my emotions in front of her. I mostly keep it in my room and not let her see me upset. What's so odd is, I'm really not that upset. I'm not heartless, just tired. Tired of trying to keep something together that is not worth keeping. This has been coming for a while and I've known that, but what I can't understand is why I haven't try to fix it when it first started. I guess it wasn't worth it or I may have just wanted this all along.
"I don't need a father" I remember telling him many times. He thought I needed to be controlled and who wants that? I know I certainly didn't. I can't explain this, I can't even make sense of it all. I'm just going thru the motions for now.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
All In Time
Funny, that since your piece of shit son decides to get arrested and will be gone for quite some time, your ex has now decided to be "mother of the year" and call you on a regular basis to keep you updated on his court dates and progression................
In 17 years you have put me thru some bullshit, but whenever she decides to play her games with you, you are always ready to be her pawn and now, out of all this you've mentioned divorce.............
It all seems to be done at a time that is convenient for you and her...................
I can tell she's loving this and you been talking outside of our home which use to be taboo, in your eyes, but not if it's you....................
I'm not the young girl you met 17 years ago, I'm A LOT more smarter then you think. I will plan my next move and will let you think your winning, but really I'm planning my escape. You've taken the checkbook, all of my cards and think I'm going to lay down and take it. I will be opening my own account in the next few days along with looking for a place to move.
Like I said, I'm not that little girl you met 17 years ago.....................
In 17 years you have put me thru some bullshit, but whenever she decides to play her games with you, you are always ready to be her pawn and now, out of all this you've mentioned divorce.............
It all seems to be done at a time that is convenient for you and her...................
I can tell she's loving this and you been talking outside of our home which use to be taboo, in your eyes, but not if it's you....................
I'm not the young girl you met 17 years ago, I'm A LOT more smarter then you think. I will plan my next move and will let you think your winning, but really I'm planning my escape. You've taken the checkbook, all of my cards and think I'm going to lay down and take it. I will be opening my own account in the next few days along with looking for a place to move.
Like I said, I'm not that little girl you met 17 years ago.....................
Thursday, October 1, 2009
What the F*@k
You know WTF?
What is it with people lately?
They almost act as if they don't know how to treat each other. I went into the store to pick up some grocery.....i.e. grub. As I walked into the store, these two women were fighting. I mean getting down, smack'in gobbing onto each other, the whole shit. I had to step out of the way to keep from getting a melon thrown into my melon.
As I stood there, it appeared that the whole thing was over a child who wanted a current magazine comic and the other lady or should I say "wrestler" wanted the same for her son whom was not present. So they went to "fist to cuffs". I had to stand to watch like a total" geek" that I am, but yet totally enjoyed. They went at it. Now I mean blood was involed and blacken eyes, hair pullen and cussin' the whole way. The child who was holdin' the said "comic" stood there the whole time egg'd his mother on......saying "beat that bitch down Mama". Ummmmm Hello?
I finally mentioned "should someone call the police", 50, the poo poo, um someone who will break up this craziness! Now, listen I have seen some crazy fights, but this shit was straight nuts!
When they finally got them broke up, both women (or whatever they should be called) where bloody and one even had a broken nose or at least that is what she was complaining about. All over a damm comic? I mean really.............If it was at least a pair of Steve Madden's or a great purse, well then I can relate, but this shit was NUTZZZZZ!
Let's keep our perspective ladies, even though I toally enjoyed the show. I should mention that the one lady kicked the total dog shit out of the other women and she had to be taken by security to the hospital. Goes to show that you don't mess with a mama's baby. Yea rah!
What is it with people lately?
They almost act as if they don't know how to treat each other. I went into the store to pick up some grocery.....i.e. grub. As I walked into the store, these two women were fighting. I mean getting down, smack'in gobbing onto each other, the whole shit. I had to step out of the way to keep from getting a melon thrown into my melon.
As I stood there, it appeared that the whole thing was over a child who wanted a current magazine comic and the other lady or should I say "wrestler" wanted the same for her son whom was not present. So they went to "fist to cuffs". I had to stand to watch like a total" geek" that I am, but yet totally enjoyed. They went at it. Now I mean blood was involed and blacken eyes, hair pullen and cussin' the whole way. The child who was holdin' the said "comic" stood there the whole time egg'd his mother on......saying "beat that bitch down Mama". Ummmmm Hello?
I finally mentioned "should someone call the police", 50, the poo poo, um someone who will break up this craziness! Now, listen I have seen some crazy fights, but this shit was straight nuts!
When they finally got them broke up, both women (or whatever they should be called) where bloody and one even had a broken nose or at least that is what she was complaining about. All over a damm comic? I mean really.............If it was at least a pair of Steve Madden's or a great purse, well then I can relate, but this shit was NUTZZZZZ!
Let's keep our perspective ladies, even though I toally enjoyed the show. I should mention that the one lady kicked the total dog shit out of the other women and she had to be taken by security to the hospital. Goes to show that you don't mess with a mama's baby. Yea rah!
Friday, July 10, 2009
It Just Keeps Comin'
Well I'm starting to get back to Normal.......If there will ever be a normal for me and my family. I think this has been the hardest thing ever to deal with and know that she will never be back. Hard, very hard.
I've checked into some online SIDS information and support groups and have learned so much about this aweful syndrome. It's just so un-explainable, we really don't know that much about it and there is so much that is still not known about this, like why or who or treatments.....nothing. The only thing I have found is that the medical field believe that a babies brain stem that tells a child to breath is under developed and forgets to tell the baby to breath and they die from failure of breathing.....crazy!
On to other things..........Last week I woke up to my right hand numb. Like so numb that I couldn't use it. I thought I had over extended it in my sleep or something. It swelled to twice it's normal size. I put a brace on it and then ( as if my luck isn't been shitty enough) I woke up two days later to my left hand doing the same. Now, I have a brace on both hands and the Doc is telling me I have Carpol Tunnel in both, right hand is much worst then the left, I still can't type with anything but my index finger on my right hand. It sucks, badly.
I keep telling my husband that I'm cursed. Someone has put one hell of a curse on me I just know it. I really am starting to believe it too. He keeps telling me that everyone goes through bad times, but I'm thinking its more then just a "Bad Time", it's down right shitty times and I'm in need of a break real soon or I'm gonna hurt someone. I would hate for a stranger to get crappy with me right now, I would probably go crazy on them or hurt them, that's how mad I am at the world.
Last week I had a lady got snippy with me at the grocery store about a cart or something, I can't really remember now, because I snapped on her like a crazy women. My husband ran up to me and took my arm and started walking away and telling the women that "I wasn't myself right now and please excuse me". The whole time I was saying "I am too myself and let go of me" He was sqeezing my arm and whispering in my ear to behave. It's funny to me now, but at the time I was stark crazy and it even scared me at the moment it was happening. For one reason is I can't remember why or what was even said and that's not good. Oh well, I live in a fairly large city so I may never run into her again or at least I hope I don't or I may have to be nice to her and tell her how "Sorry" I am.
Well I hope you all have a great weekend and try to do something fun.
I've checked into some online SIDS information and support groups and have learned so much about this aweful syndrome. It's just so un-explainable, we really don't know that much about it and there is so much that is still not known about this, like why or who or treatments.....nothing. The only thing I have found is that the medical field believe that a babies brain stem that tells a child to breath is under developed and forgets to tell the baby to breath and they die from failure of breathing.....crazy!
On to other things..........Last week I woke up to my right hand numb. Like so numb that I couldn't use it. I thought I had over extended it in my sleep or something. It swelled to twice it's normal size. I put a brace on it and then ( as if my luck isn't been shitty enough) I woke up two days later to my left hand doing the same. Now, I have a brace on both hands and the Doc is telling me I have Carpol Tunnel in both, right hand is much worst then the left, I still can't type with anything but my index finger on my right hand. It sucks, badly.
I keep telling my husband that I'm cursed. Someone has put one hell of a curse on me I just know it. I really am starting to believe it too. He keeps telling me that everyone goes through bad times, but I'm thinking its more then just a "Bad Time", it's down right shitty times and I'm in need of a break real soon or I'm gonna hurt someone. I would hate for a stranger to get crappy with me right now, I would probably go crazy on them or hurt them, that's how mad I am at the world.
Last week I had a lady got snippy with me at the grocery store about a cart or something, I can't really remember now, because I snapped on her like a crazy women. My husband ran up to me and took my arm and started walking away and telling the women that "I wasn't myself right now and please excuse me". The whole time I was saying "I am too myself and let go of me" He was sqeezing my arm and whispering in my ear to behave. It's funny to me now, but at the time I was stark crazy and it even scared me at the moment it was happening. For one reason is I can't remember why or what was even said and that's not good. Oh well, I live in a fairly large city so I may never run into her again or at least I hope I don't or I may have to be nice to her and tell her how "Sorry" I am.
Well I hope you all have a great weekend and try to do something fun.
Friday, June 26, 2009
When?
My phone is still ringing. The doorbell the same, but still no Janelle. I keep thinking someone is going to ring my door and say "I'm sorry, we have made a mistake. This is all just a bad dream and you can wake up now". I beg of it, cry for it and have even bargained it all for it. Still nothing. The only sorry's I hear are with their sweet condolences of "I'm so sorry that you and your family lost your sweet Janelle".
I feel guilty that I loved her so much and became so close to her so quickly. She was the First thing I thought of every morning and the last thing I prayed for every night. Now, I pray for my daughter and son-inlaw. I pray that they have some peace among all this craziness. I hope it comes, even though I know it will take time, a lot of it, I'm sure.
Yesterday was my 1st day back at the office. As I came in I noticed some people kept from having eye contact with me, I know what they are thinking "If I look at her I'll see her pain or she may break down crying or I just don't know what to say". I know what they all are thinking. I'm not judging them. The many that have stopped by my office throughout the day to give me a hug or just listen to me keep asking why or going over every detail of that aweful day, I thank them and I thank the one's who can't look me in the eye, because I know that they love me and the pain is too great to see it in my eyes. I still love them just as much and understand.
When I came in yesterday the sun was just coming up and since I'm on the top floor I can look out over the city and see the Hospital where Janelle was born and left this world. I just set and stare out my window until someone knocks and sticks their head in to say "you o.k.?" then I try to put on a smile and acknewledge them and then go back to trying to read a form or make a call to then slowly staring back out the large window in my office.
My daughter called me 1st thing this morning to tell me that the Funeral Home called and said Janelle was ready to be picked up. She almost sounded relieved to go and get her and have her back at home even though it will be in a urn. A lot of people have asked "why Cermation?" Because my daughter said she could not bare having Janelle not with her. I understood, I just don't understand why some family members believe it is their right to express their feelings about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS! IT'S ABOUT ASHLEY AND BRICE'S YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just don't understand some people and worst of all it is the elder's of the family. Great Grandparents who only seen her ONCE, One time and never came to the hospital when Ash was in 37 hours of labor or even to the several Baby Showers that where given, No, they, Ash and Brice had to take Janelle to you and you made a 30 minute window to see her and never even held her, then you want to cry and throw a fit at the hospital, like she was your world, then when the Coroner asked her name to you both, YOU BOTH MIS-PRONOUNCED HER NAME IN FRONT OF US ALL! NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS! Judge away til your hearts content please.
Just stay the fuck away from me and mine and keep your opinions to yourself, we no longer care about your beliefs or religion.......Nope, don't care!
Rant over! I just know they are watching and reading everything they can get their hands on because we have shut down all communication on their side and are much better for it!
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and words. They help, they really do.
I feel guilty that I loved her so much and became so close to her so quickly. She was the First thing I thought of every morning and the last thing I prayed for every night. Now, I pray for my daughter and son-inlaw. I pray that they have some peace among all this craziness. I hope it comes, even though I know it will take time, a lot of it, I'm sure.
Yesterday was my 1st day back at the office. As I came in I noticed some people kept from having eye contact with me, I know what they are thinking "If I look at her I'll see her pain or she may break down crying or I just don't know what to say". I know what they all are thinking. I'm not judging them. The many that have stopped by my office throughout the day to give me a hug or just listen to me keep asking why or going over every detail of that aweful day, I thank them and I thank the one's who can't look me in the eye, because I know that they love me and the pain is too great to see it in my eyes. I still love them just as much and understand.
When I came in yesterday the sun was just coming up and since I'm on the top floor I can look out over the city and see the Hospital where Janelle was born and left this world. I just set and stare out my window until someone knocks and sticks their head in to say "you o.k.?" then I try to put on a smile and acknewledge them and then go back to trying to read a form or make a call to then slowly staring back out the large window in my office.
My daughter called me 1st thing this morning to tell me that the Funeral Home called and said Janelle was ready to be picked up. She almost sounded relieved to go and get her and have her back at home even though it will be in a urn. A lot of people have asked "why Cermation?" Because my daughter said she could not bare having Janelle not with her. I understood, I just don't understand why some family members believe it is their right to express their feelings about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS! IT'S ABOUT ASHLEY AND BRICE'S YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just don't understand some people and worst of all it is the elder's of the family. Great Grandparents who only seen her ONCE, One time and never came to the hospital when Ash was in 37 hours of labor or even to the several Baby Showers that where given, No, they, Ash and Brice had to take Janelle to you and you made a 30 minute window to see her and never even held her, then you want to cry and throw a fit at the hospital, like she was your world, then when the Coroner asked her name to you both, YOU BOTH MIS-PRONOUNCED HER NAME IN FRONT OF US ALL! NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS! Judge away til your hearts content please.
Just stay the fuck away from me and mine and keep your opinions to yourself, we no longer care about your beliefs or religion.......Nope, don't care!
Rant over! I just know they are watching and reading everything they can get their hands on because we have shut down all communication on their side and are much better for it!
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and words. They help, they really do.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Worst Day of MY LIFE!
On March 25, 2009 my daughter gave birth to the most beautiful baby Girl. Her name was Janelle Ashlyn Patterson. She was my light. She gave me a purpose to this crazy life I have been living the past few months.
On June 17th, 2009 at 10:50am my daughter went to check on Janelle in her crib, taking her morning nap and found Janelle not breathing. She called 911 and started CPR on her daughter. She called me when she got to the hospital and told me that my Baby granddaughter has stopped breathing. I don't remember much from that other then they could not revive her and she past away.
My light, my life, FUCK IT, MY WORLD has stopped and I can't breath because this pain is to much to bare. Seeing my Baby holding her dead baby girl is too much for anyone to bare and asking her mother "Why mommy?". I have no answers. At first I thought I may do something stupid, because of this pain, but I know that my daughter needs me and right now we are like to boards leaning against each other, trying to keep each other up.
They have put on her Death Certificate SIDS "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome".
On June 17th, 2009 at 10:50am my daughter went to check on Janelle in her crib, taking her morning nap and found Janelle not breathing. She called 911 and started CPR on her daughter. She called me when she got to the hospital and told me that my Baby granddaughter has stopped breathing. I don't remember much from that other then they could not revive her and she past away.
My light, my life, FUCK IT, MY WORLD has stopped and I can't breath because this pain is to much to bare. Seeing my Baby holding her dead baby girl is too much for anyone to bare and asking her mother "Why mommy?". I have no answers. At first I thought I may do something stupid, because of this pain, but I know that my daughter needs me and right now we are like to boards leaning against each other, trying to keep each other up.
They have put on her Death Certificate SIDS "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome".
Friday, June 5, 2009
Back in the Real World!
Glad to be back. Glad to be feeling well enough to ......well, "just be". This absence as been much needed. I'm free at the present and not asking for much else, but being free for today. Who knows what next month will be, so today is all I'm asking for.
I've been very lucky then most with this awful disease. I've not lost my mane, I've not been to sickly, just enough to keep me from posting, but I've lost some things since I've written on here.
Life is funny. You may win the battle, but be sure you won't win the fucking war. That is how I look at these last months. I have been given a second chance at life and be such I don't ever take that for granted, but in the battle I have become dependent on these messed up meds they have kept me on and now I'm wanting to be free of them and not able to do so on my own........How messed up is this, I needed them to get through my day without curling up in a ball and laying in bed crying for death as a relief from this cruel disease and now that I have been given the chance we all have asked for when told you have the "C" word and now I have another battle on my hands, Pain pill dependency.
I have been honest with my Husband and family. They have been total Rock Stars about it, but I feel like a child who needs help with something I have no control over. That is how I feel, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. They tell me I do, but if you ever have had this problem you know what I'm saying.
It grabs you and before you know it, it has you at it's grasp and won't let go. It takes your soul, your personality, your smile, hell, it takes your whole fucking life!
Last month, after getting the WONDERFUL NEWS, I decided to stop taking all my meds, with my Doctors support of course (but not saying Pain meds only). After about 1 day I was sicker then I have ever been in my life. I called my Doc and told him I needed to come in and see him ASAP, he granted me the appointment right away. I told the Doc I thought my Cancer had returned, because I have never been so sick, he asked what was it differently I was doing or not doing, I told him I had stopped all meds. He looked at me like he had just seen my head do a 360 and asked why would I stop my pain meds? I told him I felt like I didn't need them anymore since I had a good report and stopped them the day before. He informed me that I was to start taking them (pain meds) again and to not stop without his prior consent and then he called the nurse to come in and give me a shot of Morphine to boot, along with another full prescription of more pain meds!
I called my husband to come and pick me up, since I felt that I couldn't be safe driving home. I told my Hub's what my doc said and he just sat there and didn't know what to say. After getting home I slept for 6 hours before waking to my nephew standing over my bed asking my Hub's if I was dead? (That image makes me want to cry every time I think of it). i ask hub's what he thinks I should do and he claims that we take it slow, very slow. He said he did some research on the Internet (I don't know how much I trust that) and I could become great fully sick or even die if I was to just completely stop taking all pain meds. That he read that I should wean myself off of them and not to be so hard on myself if it takes more time then I think it should. That everyone is different and every one's body is not made the same.
So, that is the plan. I hate writing, FINALLY and dropping this on here, but I have to get this off my chest.
Let's see what is in the next chapter of life for me?
I've been very lucky then most with this awful disease. I've not lost my mane, I've not been to sickly, just enough to keep me from posting, but I've lost some things since I've written on here.
Life is funny. You may win the battle, but be sure you won't win the fucking war. That is how I look at these last months. I have been given a second chance at life and be such I don't ever take that for granted, but in the battle I have become dependent on these messed up meds they have kept me on and now I'm wanting to be free of them and not able to do so on my own........How messed up is this, I needed them to get through my day without curling up in a ball and laying in bed crying for death as a relief from this cruel disease and now that I have been given the chance we all have asked for when told you have the "C" word and now I have another battle on my hands, Pain pill dependency.
I have been honest with my Husband and family. They have been total Rock Stars about it, but I feel like a child who needs help with something I have no control over. That is how I feel, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. They tell me I do, but if you ever have had this problem you know what I'm saying.
It grabs you and before you know it, it has you at it's grasp and won't let go. It takes your soul, your personality, your smile, hell, it takes your whole fucking life!
Last month, after getting the WONDERFUL NEWS, I decided to stop taking all my meds, with my Doctors support of course (but not saying Pain meds only). After about 1 day I was sicker then I have ever been in my life. I called my Doc and told him I needed to come in and see him ASAP, he granted me the appointment right away. I told the Doc I thought my Cancer had returned, because I have never been so sick, he asked what was it differently I was doing or not doing, I told him I had stopped all meds. He looked at me like he had just seen my head do a 360 and asked why would I stop my pain meds? I told him I felt like I didn't need them anymore since I had a good report and stopped them the day before. He informed me that I was to start taking them (pain meds) again and to not stop without his prior consent and then he called the nurse to come in and give me a shot of Morphine to boot, along with another full prescription of more pain meds!
I called my husband to come and pick me up, since I felt that I couldn't be safe driving home. I told my Hub's what my doc said and he just sat there and didn't know what to say. After getting home I slept for 6 hours before waking to my nephew standing over my bed asking my Hub's if I was dead? (That image makes me want to cry every time I think of it). i ask hub's what he thinks I should do and he claims that we take it slow, very slow. He said he did some research on the Internet (I don't know how much I trust that) and I could become great fully sick or even die if I was to just completely stop taking all pain meds. That he read that I should wean myself off of them and not to be so hard on myself if it takes more time then I think it should. That everyone is different and every one's body is not made the same.
So, that is the plan. I hate writing, FINALLY and dropping this on here, but I have to get this off my chest.
Let's see what is in the next chapter of life for me?
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