When?

My phone is still ringing. The doorbell the same, but still no Janelle. I keep thinking someone is going to ring my door and say "I'm sorry, we have made a mistake. This is all just a bad dream and you can wake up now". I beg of it, cry for it and have even bargained it all for it. Still nothing. The only sorry's I hear are with their sweet condolences of "I'm so sorry that you and your family lost your sweet Janelle".

I feel guilty that I loved her so much and became so close to her so quickly. She was the First thing I thought of every morning and the last thing I prayed for every night. Now, I pray for my daughter and son-inlaw. I pray that they have some peace among all this craziness. I hope it comes, even though I know it will take time, a lot of it, I'm sure.

Yesterday was my 1st day back at the office. As I came in I noticed some people kept from having eye contact with me, I know what they are thinking "If I look at her I'll see her pain or she may break down crying or I just don't know what to say". I know what they all are thinking. I'm not judging them. The many that have stopped by my office throughout the day to give me a hug or just listen to me keep asking why or going over every detail of that aweful day, I thank them and I thank the one's who can't look me in the eye, because I know that they love me and the pain is too great to see it in my eyes. I still love them just as much and understand.

When I came in yesterday the sun was just coming up and since I'm on the top floor I can look out over the city and see the Hospital where Janelle was born and left this world. I just set and stare out my window until someone knocks and sticks their head in to say "you o.k.?" then I try to put on a smile and acknewledge them and then go back to trying to read a form or make a call to then slowly staring back out the large window in my office.

My daughter called me 1st thing this morning to tell me that the Funeral Home called and said Janelle was ready to be picked up. She almost sounded relieved to go and get her and have her back at home even though it will be in a urn. A lot of people have asked "why Cermation?" Because my daughter said she could not bare having Janelle not with her. I understood, I just don't understand why some family members believe it is their right to express their feelings about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS! IT'S ABOUT ASHLEY AND BRICE'S YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just don't understand some people and worst of all it is the elder's of the family. Great Grandparents who only seen her ONCE, One time and never came to the hospital when Ash was in 37 hours of labor or even to the several Baby Showers that where given, No, they, Ash and Brice had to take Janelle to you and you made a 30 minute window to see her and never even held her, then you want to cry and throw a fit at the hospital, like she was your world, then when the Coroner asked her name to you both, YOU BOTH MIS-PRONOUNCED HER NAME IN FRONT OF US ALL! NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS! Judge away til your hearts content please.
Just stay the fuck away from me and mine and keep your opinions to yourself, we no longer care about your beliefs or religion.......Nope, don't care!

Rant over! I just know they are watching and reading everything they can get their hands on because we have shut down all communication on their side and are much better for it!

I want to thank all of you for your prayers and words. They help, they really do.

The Worst Day of MY LIFE!

On March 25, 2009 my daughter gave birth to the most beautiful baby Girl. Her name was Janelle Ashlyn Patterson. She was my light. She gave me a purpose to this crazy life I have been living the past few months.

On June 17th, 2009 at 10:50am my daughter went to check on Janelle in her crib, taking her morning nap and found Janelle not breathing. She called 911 and started CPR on her daughter. She called me when she got to the hospital and told me that my Baby granddaughter has stopped breathing. I don't remember much from that other then they could not revive her and she past away.

My light, my life, FUCK IT, MY WORLD has stopped and I can't breath because this pain is to much to bare. Seeing my Baby holding her dead baby girl is too much for anyone to bare and asking her mother "Why mommy?". I have no answers. At first I thought I may do something stupid, because of this pain, but I know that my daughter needs me and right now we are like to boards leaning against each other, trying to keep each other up.

They have put on her Death Certificate SIDS "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome".

Back in the Real World!

Glad to be back. Glad to be feeling well enough to ......well, "just be". This absence as been much needed. I'm free at the present and not asking for much else, but being free for today. Who knows what next month will be, so today is all I'm asking for.

I've been very lucky then most with this awful disease. I've not lost my mane, I've not been to sickly, just enough to keep me from posting, but I've lost some things since I've written on here.

Life is funny. You may win the battle, but be sure you won't win the fucking war. That is how I look at these last months. I have been given a second chance at life and be such I don't ever take that for granted, but in the battle I have become dependent on these messed up meds they have kept me on and now I'm wanting to be free of them and not able to do so on my own........How messed up is this, I needed them to get through my day without curling up in a ball and laying in bed crying for death as a relief from this cruel disease and now that I have been given the chance we all have asked for when told you have the "C" word and now I have another battle on my hands, Pain pill dependency.

I have been honest with my Husband and family. They have been total Rock Stars about it, but I feel like a child who needs help with something I have no control over. That is how I feel, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. They tell me I do, but if you ever have had this problem you know what I'm saying.

It grabs you and before you know it, it has you at it's grasp and won't let go. It takes your soul, your personality, your smile, hell, it takes your whole fucking life!

Last month, after getting the WONDERFUL NEWS, I decided to stop taking all my meds, with my Doctors support of course (but not saying Pain meds only). After about 1 day I was sicker then I have ever been in my life. I called my Doc and told him I needed to come in and see him ASAP, he granted me the appointment right away. I told the Doc I thought my Cancer had returned, because I have never been so sick, he asked what was it differently I was doing or not doing, I told him I had stopped all meds. He looked at me like he had just seen my head do a 360 and asked why would I stop my pain meds? I told him I felt like I didn't need them anymore since I had a good report and stopped them the day before. He informed me that I was to start taking them (pain meds) again and to not stop without his prior consent and then he called the nurse to come in and give me a shot of Morphine to boot, along with another full prescription of more pain meds!

I called my husband to come and pick me up, since I felt that I couldn't be safe driving home. I told my Hub's what my doc said and he just sat there and didn't know what to say. After getting home I slept for 6 hours before waking to my nephew standing over my bed asking my Hub's if I was dead? (That image makes me want to cry every time I think of it). i ask hub's what he thinks I should do and he claims that we take it slow, very slow. He said he did some research on the Internet (I don't know how much I trust that) and I could become great fully sick or even die if I was to just completely stop taking all pain meds. That he read that I should wean myself off of them and not to be so hard on myself if it takes more time then I think it should. That everyone is different and every one's body is not made the same.

So, that is the plan. I hate writing, FINALLY and dropping this on here, but I have to get this off my chest.

Let's see what is in the next chapter of life for me?