Waking this morning in a different bed, different room, even the smells are all different. This is not my home, my shower, my towels, all belongs to someone else.
I'm so thankful for my lovely daughter. she has had her own problems and doesn't need to be burden with mine, she is so sweet caring and I know that she Love's me so.
She just purchased her 1st home and now has her mother moving into one of her guess rooms and bath. Not the house warming present she was hoping for I'm sure.
I try not to show my emotions in front of her. I mostly keep it in my room and not let her see me upset. What's so odd is, I'm really not that upset. I'm not heartless, just tired. Tired of trying to keep something together that is not worth keeping. This has been coming for a while and I've known that, but what I can't understand is why I haven't try to fix it when it first started. I guess it wasn't worth it or I may have just wanted this all along.
"I don't need a father" I remember telling him many times. He thought I needed to be controlled and who wants that? I know I certainly didn't. I can't explain this, I can't even make sense of it all. I'm just going thru the motions for now.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
All In Time
Funny, that since your piece of shit son decides to get arrested and will be gone for quite some time, your ex has now decided to be "mother of the year" and call you on a regular basis to keep you updated on his court dates and progression................
In 17 years you have put me thru some bullshit, but whenever she decides to play her games with you, you are always ready to be her pawn and now, out of all this you've mentioned divorce.............
It all seems to be done at a time that is convenient for you and her...................
I can tell she's loving this and you been talking outside of our home which use to be taboo, in your eyes, but not if it's you....................
I'm not the young girl you met 17 years ago, I'm A LOT more smarter then you think. I will plan my next move and will let you think your winning, but really I'm planning my escape. You've taken the checkbook, all of my cards and think I'm going to lay down and take it. I will be opening my own account in the next few days along with looking for a place to move.
Like I said, I'm not that little girl you met 17 years ago.....................
In 17 years you have put me thru some bullshit, but whenever she decides to play her games with you, you are always ready to be her pawn and now, out of all this you've mentioned divorce.............
It all seems to be done at a time that is convenient for you and her...................
I can tell she's loving this and you been talking outside of our home which use to be taboo, in your eyes, but not if it's you....................
I'm not the young girl you met 17 years ago, I'm A LOT more smarter then you think. I will plan my next move and will let you think your winning, but really I'm planning my escape. You've taken the checkbook, all of my cards and think I'm going to lay down and take it. I will be opening my own account in the next few days along with looking for a place to move.
Like I said, I'm not that little girl you met 17 years ago.....................
Thursday, October 1, 2009
What the F*@k
You know WTF?
What is it with people lately?
They almost act as if they don't know how to treat each other. I went into the store to pick up some grocery.....i.e. grub. As I walked into the store, these two women were fighting. I mean getting down, smack'in gobbing onto each other, the whole shit. I had to step out of the way to keep from getting a melon thrown into my melon.
As I stood there, it appeared that the whole thing was over a child who wanted a current magazine comic and the other lady or should I say "wrestler" wanted the same for her son whom was not present. So they went to "fist to cuffs". I had to stand to watch like a total" geek" that I am, but yet totally enjoyed. They went at it. Now I mean blood was involed and blacken eyes, hair pullen and cussin' the whole way. The child who was holdin' the said "comic" stood there the whole time egg'd his mother on......saying "beat that bitch down Mama". Ummmmm Hello?
I finally mentioned "should someone call the police", 50, the poo poo, um someone who will break up this craziness! Now, listen I have seen some crazy fights, but this shit was straight nuts!
When they finally got them broke up, both women (or whatever they should be called) where bloody and one even had a broken nose or at least that is what she was complaining about. All over a damm comic? I mean really.............If it was at least a pair of Steve Madden's or a great purse, well then I can relate, but this shit was NUTZZZZZ!
Let's keep our perspective ladies, even though I toally enjoyed the show. I should mention that the one lady kicked the total dog shit out of the other women and she had to be taken by security to the hospital. Goes to show that you don't mess with a mama's baby. Yea rah!
What is it with people lately?
They almost act as if they don't know how to treat each other. I went into the store to pick up some grocery.....i.e. grub. As I walked into the store, these two women were fighting. I mean getting down, smack'in gobbing onto each other, the whole shit. I had to step out of the way to keep from getting a melon thrown into my melon.
As I stood there, it appeared that the whole thing was over a child who wanted a current magazine comic and the other lady or should I say "wrestler" wanted the same for her son whom was not present. So they went to "fist to cuffs". I had to stand to watch like a total" geek" that I am, but yet totally enjoyed. They went at it. Now I mean blood was involed and blacken eyes, hair pullen and cussin' the whole way. The child who was holdin' the said "comic" stood there the whole time egg'd his mother on......saying "beat that bitch down Mama". Ummmmm Hello?
I finally mentioned "should someone call the police", 50, the poo poo, um someone who will break up this craziness! Now, listen I have seen some crazy fights, but this shit was straight nuts!
When they finally got them broke up, both women (or whatever they should be called) where bloody and one even had a broken nose or at least that is what she was complaining about. All over a damm comic? I mean really.............If it was at least a pair of Steve Madden's or a great purse, well then I can relate, but this shit was NUTZZZZZ!
Let's keep our perspective ladies, even though I toally enjoyed the show. I should mention that the one lady kicked the total dog shit out of the other women and she had to be taken by security to the hospital. Goes to show that you don't mess with a mama's baby. Yea rah!
Friday, July 10, 2009
It Just Keeps Comin'
Well I'm starting to get back to Normal.......If there will ever be a normal for me and my family. I think this has been the hardest thing ever to deal with and know that she will never be back. Hard, very hard.
I've checked into some online SIDS information and support groups and have learned so much about this aweful syndrome. It's just so un-explainable, we really don't know that much about it and there is so much that is still not known about this, like why or who or treatments.....nothing. The only thing I have found is that the medical field believe that a babies brain stem that tells a child to breath is under developed and forgets to tell the baby to breath and they die from failure of breathing.....crazy!
On to other things..........Last week I woke up to my right hand numb. Like so numb that I couldn't use it. I thought I had over extended it in my sleep or something. It swelled to twice it's normal size. I put a brace on it and then ( as if my luck isn't been shitty enough) I woke up two days later to my left hand doing the same. Now, I have a brace on both hands and the Doc is telling me I have Carpol Tunnel in both, right hand is much worst then the left, I still can't type with anything but my index finger on my right hand. It sucks, badly.
I keep telling my husband that I'm cursed. Someone has put one hell of a curse on me I just know it. I really am starting to believe it too. He keeps telling me that everyone goes through bad times, but I'm thinking its more then just a "Bad Time", it's down right shitty times and I'm in need of a break real soon or I'm gonna hurt someone. I would hate for a stranger to get crappy with me right now, I would probably go crazy on them or hurt them, that's how mad I am at the world.
Last week I had a lady got snippy with me at the grocery store about a cart or something, I can't really remember now, because I snapped on her like a crazy women. My husband ran up to me and took my arm and started walking away and telling the women that "I wasn't myself right now and please excuse me". The whole time I was saying "I am too myself and let go of me" He was sqeezing my arm and whispering in my ear to behave. It's funny to me now, but at the time I was stark crazy and it even scared me at the moment it was happening. For one reason is I can't remember why or what was even said and that's not good. Oh well, I live in a fairly large city so I may never run into her again or at least I hope I don't or I may have to be nice to her and tell her how "Sorry" I am.
Well I hope you all have a great weekend and try to do something fun.
I've checked into some online SIDS information and support groups and have learned so much about this aweful syndrome. It's just so un-explainable, we really don't know that much about it and there is so much that is still not known about this, like why or who or treatments.....nothing. The only thing I have found is that the medical field believe that a babies brain stem that tells a child to breath is under developed and forgets to tell the baby to breath and they die from failure of breathing.....crazy!
On to other things..........Last week I woke up to my right hand numb. Like so numb that I couldn't use it. I thought I had over extended it in my sleep or something. It swelled to twice it's normal size. I put a brace on it and then ( as if my luck isn't been shitty enough) I woke up two days later to my left hand doing the same. Now, I have a brace on both hands and the Doc is telling me I have Carpol Tunnel in both, right hand is much worst then the left, I still can't type with anything but my index finger on my right hand. It sucks, badly.
I keep telling my husband that I'm cursed. Someone has put one hell of a curse on me I just know it. I really am starting to believe it too. He keeps telling me that everyone goes through bad times, but I'm thinking its more then just a "Bad Time", it's down right shitty times and I'm in need of a break real soon or I'm gonna hurt someone. I would hate for a stranger to get crappy with me right now, I would probably go crazy on them or hurt them, that's how mad I am at the world.
Last week I had a lady got snippy with me at the grocery store about a cart or something, I can't really remember now, because I snapped on her like a crazy women. My husband ran up to me and took my arm and started walking away and telling the women that "I wasn't myself right now and please excuse me". The whole time I was saying "I am too myself and let go of me" He was sqeezing my arm and whispering in my ear to behave. It's funny to me now, but at the time I was stark crazy and it even scared me at the moment it was happening. For one reason is I can't remember why or what was even said and that's not good. Oh well, I live in a fairly large city so I may never run into her again or at least I hope I don't or I may have to be nice to her and tell her how "Sorry" I am.
Well I hope you all have a great weekend and try to do something fun.
Friday, June 26, 2009
When?
My phone is still ringing. The doorbell the same, but still no Janelle. I keep thinking someone is going to ring my door and say "I'm sorry, we have made a mistake. This is all just a bad dream and you can wake up now". I beg of it, cry for it and have even bargained it all for it. Still nothing. The only sorry's I hear are with their sweet condolences of "I'm so sorry that you and your family lost your sweet Janelle".
I feel guilty that I loved her so much and became so close to her so quickly. She was the First thing I thought of every morning and the last thing I prayed for every night. Now, I pray for my daughter and son-inlaw. I pray that they have some peace among all this craziness. I hope it comes, even though I know it will take time, a lot of it, I'm sure.
Yesterday was my 1st day back at the office. As I came in I noticed some people kept from having eye contact with me, I know what they are thinking "If I look at her I'll see her pain or she may break down crying or I just don't know what to say". I know what they all are thinking. I'm not judging them. The many that have stopped by my office throughout the day to give me a hug or just listen to me keep asking why or going over every detail of that aweful day, I thank them and I thank the one's who can't look me in the eye, because I know that they love me and the pain is too great to see it in my eyes. I still love them just as much and understand.
When I came in yesterday the sun was just coming up and since I'm on the top floor I can look out over the city and see the Hospital where Janelle was born and left this world. I just set and stare out my window until someone knocks and sticks their head in to say "you o.k.?" then I try to put on a smile and acknewledge them and then go back to trying to read a form or make a call to then slowly staring back out the large window in my office.
My daughter called me 1st thing this morning to tell me that the Funeral Home called and said Janelle was ready to be picked up. She almost sounded relieved to go and get her and have her back at home even though it will be in a urn. A lot of people have asked "why Cermation?" Because my daughter said she could not bare having Janelle not with her. I understood, I just don't understand why some family members believe it is their right to express their feelings about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS! IT'S ABOUT ASHLEY AND BRICE'S YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just don't understand some people and worst of all it is the elder's of the family. Great Grandparents who only seen her ONCE, One time and never came to the hospital when Ash was in 37 hours of labor or even to the several Baby Showers that where given, No, they, Ash and Brice had to take Janelle to you and you made a 30 minute window to see her and never even held her, then you want to cry and throw a fit at the hospital, like she was your world, then when the Coroner asked her name to you both, YOU BOTH MIS-PRONOUNCED HER NAME IN FRONT OF US ALL! NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS! Judge away til your hearts content please.
Just stay the fuck away from me and mine and keep your opinions to yourself, we no longer care about your beliefs or religion.......Nope, don't care!
Rant over! I just know they are watching and reading everything they can get their hands on because we have shut down all communication on their side and are much better for it!
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and words. They help, they really do.
I feel guilty that I loved her so much and became so close to her so quickly. She was the First thing I thought of every morning and the last thing I prayed for every night. Now, I pray for my daughter and son-inlaw. I pray that they have some peace among all this craziness. I hope it comes, even though I know it will take time, a lot of it, I'm sure.
Yesterday was my 1st day back at the office. As I came in I noticed some people kept from having eye contact with me, I know what they are thinking "If I look at her I'll see her pain or she may break down crying or I just don't know what to say". I know what they all are thinking. I'm not judging them. The many that have stopped by my office throughout the day to give me a hug or just listen to me keep asking why or going over every detail of that aweful day, I thank them and I thank the one's who can't look me in the eye, because I know that they love me and the pain is too great to see it in my eyes. I still love them just as much and understand.
When I came in yesterday the sun was just coming up and since I'm on the top floor I can look out over the city and see the Hospital where Janelle was born and left this world. I just set and stare out my window until someone knocks and sticks their head in to say "you o.k.?" then I try to put on a smile and acknewledge them and then go back to trying to read a form or make a call to then slowly staring back out the large window in my office.
My daughter called me 1st thing this morning to tell me that the Funeral Home called and said Janelle was ready to be picked up. She almost sounded relieved to go and get her and have her back at home even though it will be in a urn. A lot of people have asked "why Cermation?" Because my daughter said she could not bare having Janelle not with her. I understood, I just don't understand why some family members believe it is their right to express their feelings about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS! IT'S ABOUT ASHLEY AND BRICE'S YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just don't understand some people and worst of all it is the elder's of the family. Great Grandparents who only seen her ONCE, One time and never came to the hospital when Ash was in 37 hours of labor or even to the several Baby Showers that where given, No, they, Ash and Brice had to take Janelle to you and you made a 30 minute window to see her and never even held her, then you want to cry and throw a fit at the hospital, like she was your world, then when the Coroner asked her name to you both, YOU BOTH MIS-PRONOUNCED HER NAME IN FRONT OF US ALL! NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS! Judge away til your hearts content please.
Just stay the fuck away from me and mine and keep your opinions to yourself, we no longer care about your beliefs or religion.......Nope, don't care!
Rant over! I just know they are watching and reading everything they can get their hands on because we have shut down all communication on their side and are much better for it!
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and words. They help, they really do.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
The Worst Day of MY LIFE!
On March 25, 2009 my daughter gave birth to the most beautiful baby Girl. Her name was Janelle Ashlyn Patterson. She was my light. She gave me a purpose to this crazy life I have been living the past few months.
On June 17th, 2009 at 10:50am my daughter went to check on Janelle in her crib, taking her morning nap and found Janelle not breathing. She called 911 and started CPR on her daughter. She called me when she got to the hospital and told me that my Baby granddaughter has stopped breathing. I don't remember much from that other then they could not revive her and she past away.
My light, my life, FUCK IT, MY WORLD has stopped and I can't breath because this pain is to much to bare. Seeing my Baby holding her dead baby girl is too much for anyone to bare and asking her mother "Why mommy?". I have no answers. At first I thought I may do something stupid, because of this pain, but I know that my daughter needs me and right now we are like to boards leaning against each other, trying to keep each other up.
They have put on her Death Certificate SIDS "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome".
On June 17th, 2009 at 10:50am my daughter went to check on Janelle in her crib, taking her morning nap and found Janelle not breathing. She called 911 and started CPR on her daughter. She called me when she got to the hospital and told me that my Baby granddaughter has stopped breathing. I don't remember much from that other then they could not revive her and she past away.
My light, my life, FUCK IT, MY WORLD has stopped and I can't breath because this pain is to much to bare. Seeing my Baby holding her dead baby girl is too much for anyone to bare and asking her mother "Why mommy?". I have no answers. At first I thought I may do something stupid, because of this pain, but I know that my daughter needs me and right now we are like to boards leaning against each other, trying to keep each other up.
They have put on her Death Certificate SIDS "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome".
Friday, June 5, 2009
Back in the Real World!
Glad to be back. Glad to be feeling well enough to ......well, "just be". This absence as been much needed. I'm free at the present and not asking for much else, but being free for today. Who knows what next month will be, so today is all I'm asking for.
I've been very lucky then most with this awful disease. I've not lost my mane, I've not been to sickly, just enough to keep me from posting, but I've lost some things since I've written on here.
Life is funny. You may win the battle, but be sure you won't win the fucking war. That is how I look at these last months. I have been given a second chance at life and be such I don't ever take that for granted, but in the battle I have become dependent on these messed up meds they have kept me on and now I'm wanting to be free of them and not able to do so on my own........How messed up is this, I needed them to get through my day without curling up in a ball and laying in bed crying for death as a relief from this cruel disease and now that I have been given the chance we all have asked for when told you have the "C" word and now I have another battle on my hands, Pain pill dependency.
I have been honest with my Husband and family. They have been total Rock Stars about it, but I feel like a child who needs help with something I have no control over. That is how I feel, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. They tell me I do, but if you ever have had this problem you know what I'm saying.
It grabs you and before you know it, it has you at it's grasp and won't let go. It takes your soul, your personality, your smile, hell, it takes your whole fucking life!
Last month, after getting the WONDERFUL NEWS, I decided to stop taking all my meds, with my Doctors support of course (but not saying Pain meds only). After about 1 day I was sicker then I have ever been in my life. I called my Doc and told him I needed to come in and see him ASAP, he granted me the appointment right away. I told the Doc I thought my Cancer had returned, because I have never been so sick, he asked what was it differently I was doing or not doing, I told him I had stopped all meds. He looked at me like he had just seen my head do a 360 and asked why would I stop my pain meds? I told him I felt like I didn't need them anymore since I had a good report and stopped them the day before. He informed me that I was to start taking them (pain meds) again and to not stop without his prior consent and then he called the nurse to come in and give me a shot of Morphine to boot, along with another full prescription of more pain meds!
I called my husband to come and pick me up, since I felt that I couldn't be safe driving home. I told my Hub's what my doc said and he just sat there and didn't know what to say. After getting home I slept for 6 hours before waking to my nephew standing over my bed asking my Hub's if I was dead? (That image makes me want to cry every time I think of it). i ask hub's what he thinks I should do and he claims that we take it slow, very slow. He said he did some research on the Internet (I don't know how much I trust that) and I could become great fully sick or even die if I was to just completely stop taking all pain meds. That he read that I should wean myself off of them and not to be so hard on myself if it takes more time then I think it should. That everyone is different and every one's body is not made the same.
So, that is the plan. I hate writing, FINALLY and dropping this on here, but I have to get this off my chest.
Let's see what is in the next chapter of life for me?
I've been very lucky then most with this awful disease. I've not lost my mane, I've not been to sickly, just enough to keep me from posting, but I've lost some things since I've written on here.
Life is funny. You may win the battle, but be sure you won't win the fucking war. That is how I look at these last months. I have been given a second chance at life and be such I don't ever take that for granted, but in the battle I have become dependent on these messed up meds they have kept me on and now I'm wanting to be free of them and not able to do so on my own........How messed up is this, I needed them to get through my day without curling up in a ball and laying in bed crying for death as a relief from this cruel disease and now that I have been given the chance we all have asked for when told you have the "C" word and now I have another battle on my hands, Pain pill dependency.
I have been honest with my Husband and family. They have been total Rock Stars about it, but I feel like a child who needs help with something I have no control over. That is how I feel, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. They tell me I do, but if you ever have had this problem you know what I'm saying.
It grabs you and before you know it, it has you at it's grasp and won't let go. It takes your soul, your personality, your smile, hell, it takes your whole fucking life!
Last month, after getting the WONDERFUL NEWS, I decided to stop taking all my meds, with my Doctors support of course (but not saying Pain meds only). After about 1 day I was sicker then I have ever been in my life. I called my Doc and told him I needed to come in and see him ASAP, he granted me the appointment right away. I told the Doc I thought my Cancer had returned, because I have never been so sick, he asked what was it differently I was doing or not doing, I told him I had stopped all meds. He looked at me like he had just seen my head do a 360 and asked why would I stop my pain meds? I told him I felt like I didn't need them anymore since I had a good report and stopped them the day before. He informed me that I was to start taking them (pain meds) again and to not stop without his prior consent and then he called the nurse to come in and give me a shot of Morphine to boot, along with another full prescription of more pain meds!
I called my husband to come and pick me up, since I felt that I couldn't be safe driving home. I told my Hub's what my doc said and he just sat there and didn't know what to say. After getting home I slept for 6 hours before waking to my nephew standing over my bed asking my Hub's if I was dead? (That image makes me want to cry every time I think of it). i ask hub's what he thinks I should do and he claims that we take it slow, very slow. He said he did some research on the Internet (I don't know how much I trust that) and I could become great fully sick or even die if I was to just completely stop taking all pain meds. That he read that I should wean myself off of them and not to be so hard on myself if it takes more time then I think it should. That everyone is different and every one's body is not made the same.
So, that is the plan. I hate writing, FINALLY and dropping this on here, but I have to get this off my chest.
Let's see what is in the next chapter of life for me?
Monday, February 16, 2009
Happy V-Day!
How was your Valentines Day?
I had an unusual valentines. My girlfriends ask me to go to a concert to see Lonestar. Unusual yes, I know, but I have been married for years and I really don't care much for all the hype.
In my eyes V.D. day is a Hallmark commercial and really nothing about love. So, 6 of my girlfriends decided to go to a concert and the hubbies decided to play cards.
We get down to the capital and park. When going in I notice our tickets are second row, center stage....(yea baby).
So we get seated (which I can't stand to be on the end, but like to be second or third from aisle......O.C.D. kinda thing) we get comfy and then the AWESOME show started. This was one of the most awesome shows I have ever, NO EVER, EVER! seen.
Daisy (real name hidden for protection) works for a concert promotion company and she knows everyone, we have great seats. The shows starts and I'm enjoying myself, singing, dancing and forgetting my life for a moment. Then HE sings a song that I'm totally digging. I'm singing and laughing and getting it on, then I have a guy walk up to me and said " Jason would like for you to come back stage" Jason? who is Jason? I don't know a Jason in this band........Well, there is a Jason, I didn't know that they never give out their real names! Most bands do, Right?
Not, all.
I asked that we all get to come backstage or "No Go". No problem he says and hands us all necklace passes....................HOLY SHIT!
Needless to say, I'm a total good girl the whole time, but really enjoy myself. All of us girls get their autographs and get to keep our backstage passes. Had dinner or what you may call dinner, but tons of drinks and had the most AWESOME VALENTINES DAY EVER!
Yes I told hubby and he digs it. He reminded me of the first concert we ever went too, when I got Tommy Lee's autograph and a ask backstage, but of course I was with my soon to be hubby, so I couldn't go....................but funny how he remembers.
I have to say being in my forties I thought I had lost it or on my way of losing it. Goes to show ladies forties is just a number, it's all in how we carry it.
BEST VALENTINE IN MY FORTIES!!!
LADIES WE KICK ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had an unusual valentines. My girlfriends ask me to go to a concert to see Lonestar. Unusual yes, I know, but I have been married for years and I really don't care much for all the hype.
In my eyes V.D. day is a Hallmark commercial and really nothing about love. So, 6 of my girlfriends decided to go to a concert and the hubbies decided to play cards.
We get down to the capital and park. When going in I notice our tickets are second row, center stage....(yea baby).
So we get seated (which I can't stand to be on the end, but like to be second or third from aisle......O.C.D. kinda thing) we get comfy and then the AWESOME show started. This was one of the most awesome shows I have ever, NO EVER, EVER! seen.
Daisy (real name hidden for protection) works for a concert promotion company and she knows everyone, we have great seats. The shows starts and I'm enjoying myself, singing, dancing and forgetting my life for a moment. Then HE sings a song that I'm totally digging. I'm singing and laughing and getting it on, then I have a guy walk up to me and said " Jason would like for you to come back stage" Jason? who is Jason? I don't know a Jason in this band........Well, there is a Jason, I didn't know that they never give out their real names! Most bands do, Right?
Not, all.
I asked that we all get to come backstage or "No Go". No problem he says and hands us all necklace passes....................HOLY SHIT!
Needless to say, I'm a total good girl the whole time, but really enjoy myself. All of us girls get their autographs and get to keep our backstage passes. Had dinner or what you may call dinner, but tons of drinks and had the most AWESOME VALENTINES DAY EVER!
Yes I told hubby and he digs it. He reminded me of the first concert we ever went too, when I got Tommy Lee's autograph and a ask backstage, but of course I was with my soon to be hubby, so I couldn't go....................but funny how he remembers.
I have to say being in my forties I thought I had lost it or on my way of losing it. Goes to show ladies forties is just a number, it's all in how we carry it.
BEST VALENTINE IN MY FORTIES!!!
LADIES WE KICK ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, February 9, 2009
Victoria is Burning!
I'm sending this out to all my Aussie Friends. I hope you and your are safe and sound. I believe this is the saddest thing I have ever heard of in my life.
The last report I've heard was over 700 homes lost and 30 people reported dead and they believe that is a low report of the deceased.
Some of these people actually died in their cars, burned to death. I just worry about our wonderful friends Australia.
Be safe and take care of each other.
I wonder if the Red Cross has set anything up for donations. Something to check into.
The last report I've heard was over 700 homes lost and 30 people reported dead and they believe that is a low report of the deceased.
Some of these people actually died in their cars, burned to death. I just worry about our wonderful friends Australia.
Be safe and take care of each other.
I wonder if the Red Cross has set anything up for donations. Something to check into.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Change
I was always a school geek. Loved it! Never missed unless I just couldn't get out of bed, but most of the time I would force myself up and at 'em and attend class.
The summer after graduating I worked for our local newspaper. I worked side by side with the Editor. The paper was owned by a local family who had 12 children who all worked at the paper. Being Greek, they were very close net and each day at noon the mother, who at this time was in her late 60's and the grandmother who was in her late 80's, would come into the paper and cook lunch for all the employee's. I became quite close to this family and looked forward to work everyday.
At Christmas time, my first few years at college I would come home and attend their family Christmas parties and during each summer worked for their newspaper. They kept certain employee's as family members and I was lucky enough to be one of them.
As years went on I became per vie to private information regarding the finances of the Newspaper. Knowing that they were on borrowed time before the bank came in and shut us down, I watched long time employee's walk out the front doors for their last time. It was very depressing saying goodbye to people who you spent more time with each day then your own family, but understanding what kind of decisions this family had to make to stay alive and employed.
During the last few months before the final days, I seen this family take upon them a lot of stress. Unbearable stress. Heart attacks, strokes and even suicide of one of their own children. Unbearable.
Knowing my time had come I said my goodbyes, but spoke of coming to see them as much as my life would allow me to, I had heard mention of moving out of state for a lot of the children and the parents had talked of moving to their Florida home for good and selling their home here. Time went on and print machines had been removed and the auctioneers were on the premises and appraising everything that would sell. It was a sad site.
I being young, but knowing that I hated change and always had a hard time with it, couldn't help but think of me.....what will happened to me, where would I go, what would I become? I only allowed myself to think of this for seconds before I would think of this wonderful family that had taken the time to teach me so much. Much more then just business, but what family is really about and how tough times can come to your door, but it's all in how we react, then the what IFS. The what IFS are controllable by our reactions. We control our own destiny.
We. Control. Our. Own. Destiny.
Many of us are feeling the fears of the "What IFS". I have had to control my urge to run out and panic. I will in the next few days walk out the front door for the last time. I know this to be true. I have told those that work with me, so that they can be prepared, but how do they prepare themselves to something so devastating. Something like un-employment, when the economy is so bad right now and there is nothing on the horizon for them just unemployment benefits that barely, if at all, can pay a utility bill or car payment.
I was told by a friend who had to apply for benefits that there is a 3 to 4 week wait before you receive your first benefit check. Some of these people can't wait 3 -4 weeks before they can feed their children or even worst have their utilities shut off.
Who is gonna be here for these families with small children. What will happen when they have no heat and no where to go, but their cars or vans to live. My heart breaks and there is not a damn thing I can do but offer them a meal and a bed. I will fill my house to capacity, I will offer all I can and hope some take the offer. I feel this is the very least I can do. My husband feels I have lost it and gone around the bend of craziness, but I have to do this or I will worry myself until I become sick.
I cry for these people and even for myself, because I know I can not continue this for long before I will have to make a judgement call regarding my own family. They have to eat and be taken care of also.
I'm sad today and I not really sure what the future holds for any of us. Just because today is good, does not mean that next week our financial rug could be pulled out from under us. It shows that we all will be affected by this, all of us.
The summer after graduating I worked for our local newspaper. I worked side by side with the Editor. The paper was owned by a local family who had 12 children who all worked at the paper. Being Greek, they were very close net and each day at noon the mother, who at this time was in her late 60's and the grandmother who was in her late 80's, would come into the paper and cook lunch for all the employee's. I became quite close to this family and looked forward to work everyday.
At Christmas time, my first few years at college I would come home and attend their family Christmas parties and during each summer worked for their newspaper. They kept certain employee's as family members and I was lucky enough to be one of them.
As years went on I became per vie to private information regarding the finances of the Newspaper. Knowing that they were on borrowed time before the bank came in and shut us down, I watched long time employee's walk out the front doors for their last time. It was very depressing saying goodbye to people who you spent more time with each day then your own family, but understanding what kind of decisions this family had to make to stay alive and employed.
During the last few months before the final days, I seen this family take upon them a lot of stress. Unbearable stress. Heart attacks, strokes and even suicide of one of their own children. Unbearable.
Knowing my time had come I said my goodbyes, but spoke of coming to see them as much as my life would allow me to, I had heard mention of moving out of state for a lot of the children and the parents had talked of moving to their Florida home for good and selling their home here. Time went on and print machines had been removed and the auctioneers were on the premises and appraising everything that would sell. It was a sad site.
I being young, but knowing that I hated change and always had a hard time with it, couldn't help but think of me.....what will happened to me, where would I go, what would I become? I only allowed myself to think of this for seconds before I would think of this wonderful family that had taken the time to teach me so much. Much more then just business, but what family is really about and how tough times can come to your door, but it's all in how we react, then the what IFS. The what IFS are controllable by our reactions. We control our own destiny.
We. Control. Our. Own. Destiny.
Many of us are feeling the fears of the "What IFS". I have had to control my urge to run out and panic. I will in the next few days walk out the front door for the last time. I know this to be true. I have told those that work with me, so that they can be prepared, but how do they prepare themselves to something so devastating. Something like un-employment, when the economy is so bad right now and there is nothing on the horizon for them just unemployment benefits that barely, if at all, can pay a utility bill or car payment.
I was told by a friend who had to apply for benefits that there is a 3 to 4 week wait before you receive your first benefit check. Some of these people can't wait 3 -4 weeks before they can feed their children or even worst have their utilities shut off.
Who is gonna be here for these families with small children. What will happen when they have no heat and no where to go, but their cars or vans to live. My heart breaks and there is not a damn thing I can do but offer them a meal and a bed. I will fill my house to capacity, I will offer all I can and hope some take the offer. I feel this is the very least I can do. My husband feels I have lost it and gone around the bend of craziness, but I have to do this or I will worry myself until I become sick.
I cry for these people and even for myself, because I know I can not continue this for long before I will have to make a judgement call regarding my own family. They have to eat and be taken care of also.
I'm sad today and I not really sure what the future holds for any of us. Just because today is good, does not mean that next week our financial rug could be pulled out from under us. It shows that we all will be affected by this, all of us.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
A Little Bit of Everything
O.k. boys and girls, today's post is a little bit of this and that, why you ask?.......um, because it is my blog ya know and the fact that it has gotten a little to serious for my taste here at the Purrrfect Kitty.
So I was watching some telly the other day and they had a documentary on Coal Miners in the State of Virginia. 1st, I have to say that Coal Miners are probably the bravest M.F.'s I know. I could never go down so deep-miles into the earth with nothing but a little flash lite on my hat to see with, in pitch darkness, H.E. double hockey sticks NO! As I have mentioned before that I'm deathly afraid of the dark and that is one thing I know will never grow out of or change.
So, back to the Coal Miners. Did you know back in the early 1900's when they found this black wondrous stuff (Sidebar: not when IT was FOUND, FOUND. Just found in the Virginia area. So don't write me....FINGERS with the actual dates and names or chemist diagram of the sort....no, no. No need) these men would dynamite these huge mountains and dig down into the earth to find this black gold to sustain transportation for trains and heat for our homes and many, many other wonderful things.
Chances are, all of us have had family members who sacrificed their life and health to make our life, back then, a little more comfortable. I know my great-grandfather (and probably great-great) was a coal miner and so was my grandfathers on both sides of my family and the same for my hubby's family in Alabama.
When Hubby's grandfather passed away, we were in Alabama at his home, sorting through his belongings, we found a black book, it was small like the size of a small address book. He had all these numbers listed with dates beside them. "This was his Payroll Booklet" my Hubby's grandmother said. I about freaked out over what these men made for a living.....PENNIES a day!
I seen in 1932 in May he made $90 in one month and that was considered substantial amount of money for a family.....a family of 5 kids and 2 adults.
I have true admiration for these men who risked their life's to make our ancestors life more comfortable.
Back to the show, my OCD is in high gear today.......as the show went on, giving out all kinds of information, there was one part I found the most interesting. Back in the 30's the men were given Red Bandanna's to wear while working to help with keeping the sweat out of their eyes and cool off during breaks by dipping the bandanna into cool water and tying around their necks.
This bandanna (only given to Coal Miners) became a sign of stature. If a gentleman was seen with a bandanna tied around his neck then it was assumed that he was higher up on the income pole.
As time went on, the name "Redneck" was given to these men and with that name came a symbol of affluence. So, to be called a "Redneck" was compliment.
So, there you go boys and girls you have learnt sumting here taday ;)
Now for your entertainment or mine, not really sure. Here is a FYI.
I love watches, all kinds. Mostly large men watches. I not really sure why I have such a obsession with them so, I am normally late to work every morning or anywhere for that matter. (not really everyday, but sometimes, cause I get away with it).
I have had this obsession for years, probably since I could tell time. I remember the first watch my mother had given me, it was a Snoopy watch for girls. Now, I loved me some snoopy, but it was a girls watch. I wanted the G.I. Joe Army watch with all the bells and whistles and army green band. My mother insisted that I keep the "girls" snoopy watch and give my brother back his G.I. Joe watch.
My mother proclaimed that I had too little of wrist and hands and couldn't keep it on without it falling off and losing it in time. Well I gave it back to my brother but still had it in my mind that he would eventually get tired of his watch and take it off for sometime and forget about it, making it mine to take when he forgets about it and moves on to play his Robot Commando or if he had a friend over they would play Rock'em Sock'em Robots (I hated it when he wouldn't let me play this game when his friends were over, cause I would kick his ass every time).
So, back to the watches. I have always loved big, men's watches. I'm still cursed with the small wrist, but I make due and now days you can find women's larger watches that look like men's and when I do I buy them up in every metal, color or band style they have.
When I graduated from High School, most of my friends wanted money or cars (I already had a car) I wanted a Rolex ( I had never heard of Tag Heuer .....YET) and I thought since I had graduated with honors that I was really going easy on them regarding the cost.......hell, some of my friends had received Trust Funds and Exotic trips before college. All I wanted was a Rolex, a good Rolex, a men's Rolex.
Well, my mother wouldn't have it. She bought me a Rolex.......a Rolex with a dainty little black velvet band with a small tiny face with diamonds around the face and in place the 12, 3, 6 and 9. I hated IT! Hate IT!
Granted, I hear all of you moaning......well, you ungrateful little bitch, you should have your ass beat for even asking for such a gift at 18 years of age. your probably right, but my mother was quite comfortable in her finances and could afford pretty much what she could or would ever want in life and I don't want any of that "Oh you were a rich bitch with wealthy parents" Well, you got the "wealthy parents" right, but in no way was I ever rich and was reminded of such my entire youth. This is my mothers statement: Your stepfather and I work hard for what we have and the point is, I will take care of you and take you through college, but after that, what is mine is mine and yours is yours. Capche'? Me: Capche' mother.
Well needless to say she took the watch back I received my 1st Rolex, a Men's Rolex when I graduated College...............I paid for half.
My stepfather and mother never really spoiled me and my 2 brothers. They gave what we needed and somethings we wanted, but mostly just what was needed and not much more. We went on nice vacations and had one of the nicer homes in our neighborhood, but none of this really came until after my Father and Mother were divorced and we stayed poor for a few years just getting by on mothers Therapist income (as a single mother) and only her income. My father never paid her support and my brothers father paid very little for the 2 boys.
When mother met my stepfather is when we became very comfortable or I should say she became VERY comfortable. Granted my father was wealthy and my stepfather was wealthy, but my mother never was independently wealthy, she made sure the men in her life made her that way..........smart some say, very un-happy and sacrificed a lot for men I say.
In my house growing up, everything was a chart. Her chart consisted of several things, but the most common one was the "WANTS, NEEDS, MUST HAVES and DREAMS" if you wanted a pair of jeans that costs over her allotted amount of $19.99 Levi's then those were considered WANTS and you would list it under the WANTS column. If they went above and beyond her acceptable amount of "no more then $30.00 for a pair of Calvin Klein's" well then, those could be considered "DREAMS" cause you were DREAMING if you thought she was gonna pay over $30.00 for you a pair of jeans and she really didn't care if they were Calvin Klein's or if the Pope made and blessed them, cause she wasn't about to pay that much for a pair of jeans.
$25.00 was the limit.
I could say my mother taught me a lot about needs, wants and such, but I still pay way too much for purses, shoes and yes, even jeans. I've had to pinch myself many times when my daughter was growing up. She would ask for something and I knew she really (1. didn't need it or 2. was hustling me to get it). The chart would bounce up in my head and I would find myself starting to analyzing everything, to point where I would just give in and buy whatever she wanted just so I wouldn't be like my mother.
Funny, how we say we will never "do this" or "say that" when we were kids, but once we grow up and are confronted with the same situations as our parents and before you know it, we've become them.
So I was watching some telly the other day and they had a documentary on Coal Miners in the State of Virginia. 1st, I have to say that Coal Miners are probably the bravest M.F.'s I know. I could never go down so deep-miles into the earth with nothing but a little flash lite on my hat to see with, in pitch darkness, H.E. double hockey sticks NO! As I have mentioned before that I'm deathly afraid of the dark and that is one thing I know will never grow out of or change.
So, back to the Coal Miners. Did you know back in the early 1900's when they found this black wondrous stuff (Sidebar: not when IT was FOUND, FOUND. Just found in the Virginia area. So don't write me....FINGERS with the actual dates and names or chemist diagram of the sort....no, no. No need) these men would dynamite these huge mountains and dig down into the earth to find this black gold to sustain transportation for trains and heat for our homes and many, many other wonderful things.
Chances are, all of us have had family members who sacrificed their life and health to make our life, back then, a little more comfortable. I know my great-grandfather (and probably great-great) was a coal miner and so was my grandfathers on both sides of my family and the same for my hubby's family in Alabama.
When Hubby's grandfather passed away, we were in Alabama at his home, sorting through his belongings, we found a black book, it was small like the size of a small address book. He had all these numbers listed with dates beside them. "This was his Payroll Booklet" my Hubby's grandmother said. I about freaked out over what these men made for a living.....PENNIES a day!
I seen in 1932 in May he made $90 in one month and that was considered substantial amount of money for a family.....a family of 5 kids and 2 adults.
I have true admiration for these men who risked their life's to make our ancestors life more comfortable.
Back to the show, my OCD is in high gear today.......as the show went on, giving out all kinds of information, there was one part I found the most interesting. Back in the 30's the men were given Red Bandanna's to wear while working to help with keeping the sweat out of their eyes and cool off during breaks by dipping the bandanna into cool water and tying around their necks.
This bandanna (only given to Coal Miners) became a sign of stature. If a gentleman was seen with a bandanna tied around his neck then it was assumed that he was higher up on the income pole.
As time went on, the name "Redneck" was given to these men and with that name came a symbol of affluence. So, to be called a "Redneck" was compliment.
So, there you go boys and girls you have learnt sumting here taday ;)
Now for your entertainment or mine, not really sure. Here is a FYI.
I love watches, all kinds. Mostly large men watches. I not really sure why I have such a obsession with them so, I am normally late to work every morning or anywhere for that matter. (not really everyday, but sometimes, cause I get away with it).
I have had this obsession for years, probably since I could tell time. I remember the first watch my mother had given me, it was a Snoopy watch for girls. Now, I loved me some snoopy, but it was a girls watch. I wanted the G.I. Joe Army watch with all the bells and whistles and army green band. My mother insisted that I keep the "girls" snoopy watch and give my brother back his G.I. Joe watch.
My mother proclaimed that I had too little of wrist and hands and couldn't keep it on without it falling off and losing it in time. Well I gave it back to my brother but still had it in my mind that he would eventually get tired of his watch and take it off for sometime and forget about it, making it mine to take when he forgets about it and moves on to play his Robot Commando or if he had a friend over they would play Rock'em Sock'em Robots (I hated it when he wouldn't let me play this game when his friends were over, cause I would kick his ass every time).
So, back to the watches. I have always loved big, men's watches. I'm still cursed with the small wrist, but I make due and now days you can find women's larger watches that look like men's and when I do I buy them up in every metal, color or band style they have.
When I graduated from High School, most of my friends wanted money or cars (I already had a car) I wanted a Rolex ( I had never heard of Tag Heuer .....YET) and I thought since I had graduated with honors that I was really going easy on them regarding the cost.......hell, some of my friends had received Trust Funds and Exotic trips before college. All I wanted was a Rolex, a good Rolex, a men's Rolex.
Well, my mother wouldn't have it. She bought me a Rolex.......a Rolex with a dainty little black velvet band with a small tiny face with diamonds around the face and in place the 12, 3, 6 and 9. I hated IT! Hate IT!
Granted, I hear all of you moaning......well, you ungrateful little bitch, you should have your ass beat for even asking for such a gift at 18 years of age. your probably right, but my mother was quite comfortable in her finances and could afford pretty much what she could or would ever want in life and I don't want any of that "Oh you were a rich bitch with wealthy parents" Well, you got the "wealthy parents" right, but in no way was I ever rich and was reminded of such my entire youth. This is my mothers statement: Your stepfather and I work hard for what we have and the point is, I will take care of you and take you through college, but after that, what is mine is mine and yours is yours. Capche'? Me: Capche' mother.
Well needless to say she took the watch back I received my 1st Rolex, a Men's Rolex when I graduated College...............I paid for half.
My stepfather and mother never really spoiled me and my 2 brothers. They gave what we needed and somethings we wanted, but mostly just what was needed and not much more. We went on nice vacations and had one of the nicer homes in our neighborhood, but none of this really came until after my Father and Mother were divorced and we stayed poor for a few years just getting by on mothers Therapist income (as a single mother) and only her income. My father never paid her support and my brothers father paid very little for the 2 boys.
When mother met my stepfather is when we became very comfortable or I should say she became VERY comfortable. Granted my father was wealthy and my stepfather was wealthy, but my mother never was independently wealthy, she made sure the men in her life made her that way..........smart some say, very un-happy and sacrificed a lot for men I say.
In my house growing up, everything was a chart. Her chart consisted of several things, but the most common one was the "WANTS, NEEDS, MUST HAVES and DREAMS" if you wanted a pair of jeans that costs over her allotted amount of $19.99 Levi's then those were considered WANTS and you would list it under the WANTS column. If they went above and beyond her acceptable amount of "no more then $30.00 for a pair of Calvin Klein's" well then, those could be considered "DREAMS" cause you were DREAMING if you thought she was gonna pay over $30.00 for you a pair of jeans and she really didn't care if they were Calvin Klein's or if the Pope made and blessed them, cause she wasn't about to pay that much for a pair of jeans.
$25.00 was the limit.
I could say my mother taught me a lot about needs, wants and such, but I still pay way too much for purses, shoes and yes, even jeans. I've had to pinch myself many times when my daughter was growing up. She would ask for something and I knew she really (1. didn't need it or 2. was hustling me to get it). The chart would bounce up in my head and I would find myself starting to analyzing everything, to point where I would just give in and buy whatever she wanted just so I wouldn't be like my mother.
Funny, how we say we will never "do this" or "say that" when we were kids, but once we grow up and are confronted with the same situations as our parents and before you know it, we've become them.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Age 4
I remember my mother running into the living room and telling us kids (my older brother and myself) to go to our rooms and stay there, that "our father was home" and we knew what that meant.
Our father, not really, only my father. Michael's father lived in town and had already re-married also.
We shared a bedroom, only because I was scared of the dark. I was scared of everything back then and rightfully so. As we ran into the bedroom and my brother shut the door behind us, Michael tells me to not cry and if I can't help it, then to cry into the pillow. We both knew what was about to happen. My father had received the divorced papers at the office, at that time of the day he was just starting his drinking, so for him to come home at that hour, we knew what was about to happen.
I was setting on the edge of the bed when I hear the door slam and my father yelling louder then I have ever heard him yell before. I jump so high off the bed that it made my brother bust out with laughter, only to have my father hit the wall open handed and yell "shut -it up in there or I'll come in there and shut you up!" I started to cry.
Michael comes and sets beside me on the bed and puts his arm around me with a whisper in my ear of "he'll be gone before long, he won't stay"but I knew he wouldn't leave, not without leaving his mark. He couldn't leave without leaving a mark or being the bully in-which he was.
We sat on that bed almost motionless, but tons of emotions are swirling the house. I hear my mother talking in her quietness, but my father keeps yelling over her words, to the point of not being able to detect what she is saying. "you bitch, you think your gonna take what is MINE! I don't fucking think so! I'll fucking kill you and those fucking kids. They won't even know you ever existed when I'm done with you!" I hear him smack her down and she hits the floor. This sound I heard so many times before, it was a sound that became so common in our house, it was like hearing the phone ring, it was just that common.
I jerked into my brother shoulder and hid my face and started to cry harder. He whispers to "please be quiet", but I have no control and I start to wet myself. This had become a habit of mine when I became scared. In fact I was a bed-wetter up until I was 10 years old, mostly at night being to scared to get up out of bed to go to the restroom.
Michael scolds me in his quiet but gentle way "Cat....he whispers...I won't let anything happen, I promise. I think he is leaving. Look. See, he is starting his car".
We creep out of our room, to see my mother setting at the kitchen table with her hand over the right side of her face. I ran up to her and she hugs me and my brother..."are you o.k. mommy?...Yes, lovie, He's gone" I stopped shaking at that very moment.
"We have to leave soon, he'll be back and we know what condition he'll be in the next time" Michael says. My mother starts packing us overnight bags. She ask Michael to call the Neighbors and Family members to let them know what was happening. The family and neighbors all knew my father and his ways. They all knew he beat my mother on a daily or nightly basis.
My father was a prominent man in our community as a Attorney, along with being the owner of the Grainary and also one of, if not THE largest farmer in the county. Owning 2700 acre farm. Not only a Alcoholic, but a workaholic and a very rich man. Back in the 1960's money talked. It didn't matter what you did, if you donated money to the Mayors campaign or walked into the neighborhood bar and bought rounds of drinks all-night to the city and county officials, well then you could beat your wife nightly with the Sheriff being called every night, but nothing ever being done about it. The Police would come to the house and ask him to step outside, maybe talk with him for awhile and then be on their way, to their cozy family with dinner on the table awaiting on their return.
On Saturday mornings we would go into town to pay bills or shop for a while. My mom would see her friends or my Dad's employee's wives. You could see the pity they had for her my mother, but my mother always held her head high and would tell us kids to smile, be polite, and kept our business to our self, almost like being the perfect family. I'm sure we looked like it from the outside looking in, but most of the town's people were on the inside and knew what my father was capable of doing to my mother or us kids. Although he never touched me, he did beat on my brothers along with my mother, but with my brothers came the time that they both turned on him one evening when he had been on a 2 day drunk and they put him into the hospital for 11 days, but by this time we had already left the house and was living elsewhere.
My father wasn't always a alcoholic, it just became that way when he acquired all of these business's. With the stress of being a owner of more then you can handle, came the problems of finding something to take his mind off the responsibilities. He worked hard at being a alcoholic, I believe he worked harder at that then he did at being a husband or father. Over time it became his DNA and it kept him alive.
As the day prolonged and we were not moving as fast as we should have been, the night and evening was on us. I remember my mother saying, "we are taking to long, Michael get off the phone. We need to leave now" I think I was the first into the car when I see the dust from the road telling us that someone was flying towards our farm at a high rate of speed. It was him. I started screaming as soon as I seen the headlights hit the front of the car.
It was like the universe feed us energy. The stress and screaming was out of control . My mother is yelling at Michael to get into the car and lock the door, she is trying to get into the car herself and lock her door, while trying to start the car and get us moving so that he couldn't try to break the windshield, that she had just had fixed the week prior or rip into the convertible lining on her Cadillac........that he never let her forget he purchased for her, but it was really bought for her because she wouldn't come back home after one of the other times he had beaten her into a coma and broke her face......literally. My mother had more titanium in her face then the space shuttle.
It all couldn't work out as planned. No, not our luck. My father jumps out of his car while still in motion and rolls into the side of the barn and finally coming to a halt. He jumps onto the hood of the car as we are moving. Each of us screaming at her to GO! She slams on her brakes bring us to a abrupt stop. He rolls off the hood onto the ground in front of her car. She won't go forward, she just stops and starts to cry, she knows he has her again. She yells at him to get away from the car through the driver side window. I being in the back seat, have my face smashed up against it yelling "daddy go away, leave mommy alone. Please daddy let us leave" he comes to my window and tells my mom through the rolled up window that she can't take me with her, then he looks into my eyes (I will never forget this) and says "daddy can't live without his baby girl, open your door sweetheart. Look, daddy got you a new kitten, open the door so I can show you" I actually stopped crying and went to unlock the door when my brother leaped over the driver side seat and stopped me. When he does, this makes my father go into a fit. My father turned into a monster, he started yelling and spit was coming out of his mouth"open the door you little Bitch! Your just like you fucking mother you idiot! open the door or I'll beat your ass when I get you out!" I have and will NEVER forget that look on his face. It was like a switch that switched him into evil, he had pure hatred in his eyes.
He started towards the barn to get a weapon no doubt to knock out the windshield again, when my mother had her opening to drive off and she did. We went to my Uncle Jessie and Aunt Jo's house, my mother knew that was the ONLY place we would be safe. My father feared my Uncle Jessie and the last time my father put my mother into the hospital my Uncle paid my dad a visit and told him that if he ever laid a hand on my mom again, the authorities would never find his body. (I can promise you that my Uncle Jessie was telling the truth when he said that to my father......my Uncle Jessie was a tumbler and the family has always swore he was involved with the underground and had connections. He was Murdered in downtown Chicago in 1980 and the murder has never been solved. He was gunned down in front of a night club on Michigan Avenue).
I went 3 years after that of not knowing or caring where my father was. I remembered the next time I seen him. I was in a parade on our town square and he showed up out of no-where. He was drunk of course and showed his ass in front of my twirling squad and was arrested.
It wasn't until I was 18 that I seen my dad again. He was sober. He and my mother tried to rekindle their relationship, but it never worked. I believe I had a little to do with their never working it out. I was older and hated him and made sure I caused enough trouble to keep him away from my mother and my brother, along with myself.
4 Years ago I received a call out of the blue from my Half brother from Florida. He and my Sister had been out of my life for 30 years without any contact, to now him calling me to tell me that our father was dying from lung cancer. At first I had no emotion, then I felt I should be there. So my husband and I jumped on a plane and flew to New York City. They (my half brother and sister) had told me that our father didn't want me there until he was close to dying, so they respected his wishes and had not contacted me until there was only hours left. I'm not really sure if that is true, other then he, my father may have not wanted time to answer the questions I had for him, like: Why haven't you been a part of my life and why haven't you contacted me except the calls maybe every 5-8 years apart along with no visits. He just may have not wanted to answer my questions or it may have been their choice to not have me there since they had all rights to the will that cut me out of to only 10 percent (what the state requires for a child, the less amount he could leave me was 10 % and they were left 45% each of a 4 million dollar estate). I'm not sure of why it had to happen like this or why they did and said a lot of what they said, but I know that when we landed my cell phone rang to hearing my sister crying and saying that he had just passed.
They (my Half-brother & sister) of course left my dad's body there at the hospital until I could get to the hospital and say my goodbyes (I So respect them for at least giving me that....NOT) but for some reason they decided to put me in a hotel (at my expense) the first night, instead of putting me and my husband in one of dad's 7-apartments or 3 houses.
No, they had something to hide before allowing me to come to his primary home. Things where very strained at first, then as days went by I let all of the past and present go. They had the same father I had, I know he was awful to their mother, who he beat for years until my father left their mother for my mother...........I believe that is why they have never accepted me to be a part of their life's, until just here recently (and I only believe they have done so because they have come to realise that I'm quite comfortable and may have something for them.....NEVER! Not even a glass of water do I have for them).
My brother who was the Chief of Police in Ft. Lauderdale Florida, until he had gotten into some trouble and was asked to leave the department, and then, and only then, he asked me if he come here to see me for a few weeks......3 to be exact....while he get his head on straight. I decided to let him come for the 3 weeks. Bad mistake. He thought I should treat him like a fucking KING and kiss his ass the whole time he was here. It came time for hm to leave, I think it was 2 days prior to him leaving when I finally blew up on him and told him what I really thought about him, my sister and how they handled my dad's affairs and the whole estate stuff. I told him I believed he and my sister kept me from coming to the house so that they had time to remove anything in the house that might show that my dad cared for me and my mother (because there wasn't one picture of me or my family, which I had sent to him every year and they kept telling me that my father hated me and my mother).
I told him that he and my sister didn't do a very good job hiding everything because I found a picture in the belongings that the hospital had dropped off, it was a picture I had NEVER seen EVER. It was a picture of my mother holding me while she sat on the hospital bed just moments after giving birth to me. Not even my mother had that picture and it was in his wallet right behind his driver license, so if my father hated me and my mother so badly, why would he have kept a picture of such magnitude. WHY? If my father loved their mother so much, where was her pictures? What I'm saying is, don't lie about things that can make or break a person to the point of a breakdown. I literally believed that my father hated us until I found that picture and then I knew, it was like my mother was working this all out from heaven and letting her little girl know that they are liars and heartless at best.
Never again. Nope! I tried to be his and her sister, almost to the point of losing myself by giving so much to have them love and accept me, but it just didn't feel right. I still believe they have hidden things from me and spent money, sold property and cashed in life insurances that did not belong to them. I'm grown now and can protect myself from them and I will do just that. I told him I will not research this matter, but feel that he should know that it still comes to me at night in my dreams. I believe that there is something here that they are not telling me or giving me, but as time goes on it will come out, I believe that. I believe in Karma and if they are smart they will come clean before Karma hurts them so badly that not even God will help.
Our father, not really, only my father. Michael's father lived in town and had already re-married also.
We shared a bedroom, only because I was scared of the dark. I was scared of everything back then and rightfully so. As we ran into the bedroom and my brother shut the door behind us, Michael tells me to not cry and if I can't help it, then to cry into the pillow. We both knew what was about to happen. My father had received the divorced papers at the office, at that time of the day he was just starting his drinking, so for him to come home at that hour, we knew what was about to happen.
I was setting on the edge of the bed when I hear the door slam and my father yelling louder then I have ever heard him yell before. I jump so high off the bed that it made my brother bust out with laughter, only to have my father hit the wall open handed and yell "shut -it up in there or I'll come in there and shut you up!" I started to cry.
Michael comes and sets beside me on the bed and puts his arm around me with a whisper in my ear of "he'll be gone before long, he won't stay"but I knew he wouldn't leave, not without leaving his mark. He couldn't leave without leaving a mark or being the bully in-which he was.
We sat on that bed almost motionless, but tons of emotions are swirling the house. I hear my mother talking in her quietness, but my father keeps yelling over her words, to the point of not being able to detect what she is saying. "you bitch, you think your gonna take what is MINE! I don't fucking think so! I'll fucking kill you and those fucking kids. They won't even know you ever existed when I'm done with you!" I hear him smack her down and she hits the floor. This sound I heard so many times before, it was a sound that became so common in our house, it was like hearing the phone ring, it was just that common.
I jerked into my brother shoulder and hid my face and started to cry harder. He whispers to "please be quiet", but I have no control and I start to wet myself. This had become a habit of mine when I became scared. In fact I was a bed-wetter up until I was 10 years old, mostly at night being to scared to get up out of bed to go to the restroom.
Michael scolds me in his quiet but gentle way "Cat....he whispers...I won't let anything happen, I promise. I think he is leaving. Look. See, he is starting his car".
We creep out of our room, to see my mother setting at the kitchen table with her hand over the right side of her face. I ran up to her and she hugs me and my brother..."are you o.k. mommy?...Yes, lovie, He's gone" I stopped shaking at that very moment.
"We have to leave soon, he'll be back and we know what condition he'll be in the next time" Michael says. My mother starts packing us overnight bags. She ask Michael to call the Neighbors and Family members to let them know what was happening. The family and neighbors all knew my father and his ways. They all knew he beat my mother on a daily or nightly basis.
My father was a prominent man in our community as a Attorney, along with being the owner of the Grainary and also one of, if not THE largest farmer in the county. Owning 2700 acre farm. Not only a Alcoholic, but a workaholic and a very rich man. Back in the 1960's money talked. It didn't matter what you did, if you donated money to the Mayors campaign or walked into the neighborhood bar and bought rounds of drinks all-night to the city and county officials, well then you could beat your wife nightly with the Sheriff being called every night, but nothing ever being done about it. The Police would come to the house and ask him to step outside, maybe talk with him for awhile and then be on their way, to their cozy family with dinner on the table awaiting on their return.
On Saturday mornings we would go into town to pay bills or shop for a while. My mom would see her friends or my Dad's employee's wives. You could see the pity they had for her my mother, but my mother always held her head high and would tell us kids to smile, be polite, and kept our business to our self, almost like being the perfect family. I'm sure we looked like it from the outside looking in, but most of the town's people were on the inside and knew what my father was capable of doing to my mother or us kids. Although he never touched me, he did beat on my brothers along with my mother, but with my brothers came the time that they both turned on him one evening when he had been on a 2 day drunk and they put him into the hospital for 11 days, but by this time we had already left the house and was living elsewhere.
My father wasn't always a alcoholic, it just became that way when he acquired all of these business's. With the stress of being a owner of more then you can handle, came the problems of finding something to take his mind off the responsibilities. He worked hard at being a alcoholic, I believe he worked harder at that then he did at being a husband or father. Over time it became his DNA and it kept him alive.
As the day prolonged and we were not moving as fast as we should have been, the night and evening was on us. I remember my mother saying, "we are taking to long, Michael get off the phone. We need to leave now" I think I was the first into the car when I see the dust from the road telling us that someone was flying towards our farm at a high rate of speed. It was him. I started screaming as soon as I seen the headlights hit the front of the car.
It was like the universe feed us energy. The stress and screaming was out of control . My mother is yelling at Michael to get into the car and lock the door, she is trying to get into the car herself and lock her door, while trying to start the car and get us moving so that he couldn't try to break the windshield, that she had just had fixed the week prior or rip into the convertible lining on her Cadillac........that he never let her forget he purchased for her, but it was really bought for her because she wouldn't come back home after one of the other times he had beaten her into a coma and broke her face......literally. My mother had more titanium in her face then the space shuttle.
It all couldn't work out as planned. No, not our luck. My father jumps out of his car while still in motion and rolls into the side of the barn and finally coming to a halt. He jumps onto the hood of the car as we are moving. Each of us screaming at her to GO! She slams on her brakes bring us to a abrupt stop. He rolls off the hood onto the ground in front of her car. She won't go forward, she just stops and starts to cry, she knows he has her again. She yells at him to get away from the car through the driver side window. I being in the back seat, have my face smashed up against it yelling "daddy go away, leave mommy alone. Please daddy let us leave" he comes to my window and tells my mom through the rolled up window that she can't take me with her, then he looks into my eyes (I will never forget this) and says "daddy can't live without his baby girl, open your door sweetheart. Look, daddy got you a new kitten, open the door so I can show you" I actually stopped crying and went to unlock the door when my brother leaped over the driver side seat and stopped me. When he does, this makes my father go into a fit. My father turned into a monster, he started yelling and spit was coming out of his mouth"open the door you little Bitch! Your just like you fucking mother you idiot! open the door or I'll beat your ass when I get you out!" I have and will NEVER forget that look on his face. It was like a switch that switched him into evil, he had pure hatred in his eyes.
He started towards the barn to get a weapon no doubt to knock out the windshield again, when my mother had her opening to drive off and she did. We went to my Uncle Jessie and Aunt Jo's house, my mother knew that was the ONLY place we would be safe. My father feared my Uncle Jessie and the last time my father put my mother into the hospital my Uncle paid my dad a visit and told him that if he ever laid a hand on my mom again, the authorities would never find his body. (I can promise you that my Uncle Jessie was telling the truth when he said that to my father......my Uncle Jessie was a tumbler and the family has always swore he was involved with the underground and had connections. He was Murdered in downtown Chicago in 1980 and the murder has never been solved. He was gunned down in front of a night club on Michigan Avenue).
I went 3 years after that of not knowing or caring where my father was. I remembered the next time I seen him. I was in a parade on our town square and he showed up out of no-where. He was drunk of course and showed his ass in front of my twirling squad and was arrested.
It wasn't until I was 18 that I seen my dad again. He was sober. He and my mother tried to rekindle their relationship, but it never worked. I believe I had a little to do with their never working it out. I was older and hated him and made sure I caused enough trouble to keep him away from my mother and my brother, along with myself.
4 Years ago I received a call out of the blue from my Half brother from Florida. He and my Sister had been out of my life for 30 years without any contact, to now him calling me to tell me that our father was dying from lung cancer. At first I had no emotion, then I felt I should be there. So my husband and I jumped on a plane and flew to New York City. They (my half brother and sister) had told me that our father didn't want me there until he was close to dying, so they respected his wishes and had not contacted me until there was only hours left. I'm not really sure if that is true, other then he, my father may have not wanted time to answer the questions I had for him, like: Why haven't you been a part of my life and why haven't you contacted me except the calls maybe every 5-8 years apart along with no visits. He just may have not wanted to answer my questions or it may have been their choice to not have me there since they had all rights to the will that cut me out of to only 10 percent (what the state requires for a child, the less amount he could leave me was 10 % and they were left 45% each of a 4 million dollar estate). I'm not sure of why it had to happen like this or why they did and said a lot of what they said, but I know that when we landed my cell phone rang to hearing my sister crying and saying that he had just passed.
They (my Half-brother & sister) of course left my dad's body there at the hospital until I could get to the hospital and say my goodbyes (I So respect them for at least giving me that....NOT) but for some reason they decided to put me in a hotel (at my expense) the first night, instead of putting me and my husband in one of dad's 7-apartments or 3 houses.
No, they had something to hide before allowing me to come to his primary home. Things where very strained at first, then as days went by I let all of the past and present go. They had the same father I had, I know he was awful to their mother, who he beat for years until my father left their mother for my mother...........I believe that is why they have never accepted me to be a part of their life's, until just here recently (and I only believe they have done so because they have come to realise that I'm quite comfortable and may have something for them.....NEVER! Not even a glass of water do I have for them).
My brother who was the Chief of Police in Ft. Lauderdale Florida, until he had gotten into some trouble and was asked to leave the department, and then, and only then, he asked me if he come here to see me for a few weeks......3 to be exact....while he get his head on straight. I decided to let him come for the 3 weeks. Bad mistake. He thought I should treat him like a fucking KING and kiss his ass the whole time he was here. It came time for hm to leave, I think it was 2 days prior to him leaving when I finally blew up on him and told him what I really thought about him, my sister and how they handled my dad's affairs and the whole estate stuff. I told him I believed he and my sister kept me from coming to the house so that they had time to remove anything in the house that might show that my dad cared for me and my mother (because there wasn't one picture of me or my family, which I had sent to him every year and they kept telling me that my father hated me and my mother).
I told him that he and my sister didn't do a very good job hiding everything because I found a picture in the belongings that the hospital had dropped off, it was a picture I had NEVER seen EVER. It was a picture of my mother holding me while she sat on the hospital bed just moments after giving birth to me. Not even my mother had that picture and it was in his wallet right behind his driver license, so if my father hated me and my mother so badly, why would he have kept a picture of such magnitude. WHY? If my father loved their mother so much, where was her pictures? What I'm saying is, don't lie about things that can make or break a person to the point of a breakdown. I literally believed that my father hated us until I found that picture and then I knew, it was like my mother was working this all out from heaven and letting her little girl know that they are liars and heartless at best.
Never again. Nope! I tried to be his and her sister, almost to the point of losing myself by giving so much to have them love and accept me, but it just didn't feel right. I still believe they have hidden things from me and spent money, sold property and cashed in life insurances that did not belong to them. I'm grown now and can protect myself from them and I will do just that. I told him I will not research this matter, but feel that he should know that it still comes to me at night in my dreams. I believe that there is something here that they are not telling me or giving me, but as time goes on it will come out, I believe that. I believe in Karma and if they are smart they will come clean before Karma hurts them so badly that not even God will help.
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
I awoke this morning to a (minus) -12 degrees with windchill at -18 degrees. Nothing works in negative degrees. Nothing.
My car didn't want to start, my garage door was frozen to the (concrete) drive and our electricity is going off and on. Without electric, we have no HEAT! I don't think I can make it without heat. I told my husband that we should go to a hotel tonight (just in-case) we should lose our power. I spoke to a friend of mine who is living in Florida for the winter months and she said it was in the lower 40's there.....in Florida!
What the heck? Even the warm States are going through a cold spell. My mother-in-law who lives in Alabama (it is usually in the lower 70's during the month of January) said it was in the lower 40's and had gotten down into the 30's overnight. She had to turn on her furnace, which are wall unit that burn natural gas, but in no-way would I consider it a furnace. It only heats the room in-which it is located in, so it does not distribute heat through-out like my Real furnace does.
It stays so warm down in Alabama, that most people don't have garages, they have car-ports. It just covers the top of the car with 2 sides exposed and 2 sides closed to the elements. Here we have to have garages or the weather will damage our vehicle's.
In the summer we have BAD storms. Tornado's and hail to the point that if your vehicle's are outside, they will receive some sort of damage from it. And then you have our blistering winters with (minus) degree's of coldness and ice to the extreme of losing power for days until the electric company can make it to your home. If you live in the country you may be without power for weeks. Most have generators to use so that you can have heat and minimal lighting at night.
Years ago in March of 1990 (on my birthday to be exact) we had a very bad Ice storm that last for 3 days and 2 nights. The ice was 4 - 6 inches thick on the power lines and trees, which made them snap in two. We had a tree that was many years old. It decided that it could no longer take the weight of the ice and snow. Well, it broke onto our house, luckily it landed more so on our garage instead of the house and didn't expose us to the cold, but sure did scare the shit out of me when it hit the house/garage and made the most god-awful sound.
We were stranded in our house for 4 days without power or heat. The Governor had made it a State of Emergency and you could only be out if it was an emergency and if caught they would prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.
We had snowmobiles and were able to get to family and friends who needed medicine or food. We used the fireplace that we had in our family room for heat and cooking. We shut off the other rooms with plastic to keep the heat in one room and cooking off the fire. We unfortunately did not have a Generator and could not fine one or a vacant hotel within our city limits or next city over. Everything around us was sold out or occupied. Not even milk or bread was available for weeks until the ice and snow melted to be able to get trucks into our city. It was a mess.
I remembered reading somewhere that 9 months later from the date of the storm there was recorded record amount of babies born ever in our city. I guess we all know what most couples were doing with their time being shut in their house with nothing else to do but make babies.
It was a fun time although I was sick to death of Chili and Soups. That was all we had to make over a open flame and couldn't find anything else in what few stores that were open.......and even that was very limited. Some stores stayed closed for almost a month before they re-stocked their inventory to open back up.
We have had a few more Ice storms since. We even had one a month ago, but nothing compared to that one. I think it made history for the longest and most dangerous Ice storm on record for the Mid-West.
Oh well, I don't think our community could take another jump in the population like it did back then. We would need to build on to our maternity wards in our 3 hospitals, cause god knows just the 3 wards that we have is nearly not enough. They were birthing babies in the Emergency Rooms because they had ran out of rooms and space within the hospital. Now that's bad.
I awoke this morning to a (minus) -12 degrees with windchill at -18 degrees. Nothing works in negative degrees. Nothing.
My car didn't want to start, my garage door was frozen to the (concrete) drive and our electricity is going off and on. Without electric, we have no HEAT! I don't think I can make it without heat. I told my husband that we should go to a hotel tonight (just in-case) we should lose our power. I spoke to a friend of mine who is living in Florida for the winter months and she said it was in the lower 40's there.....in Florida!
What the heck? Even the warm States are going through a cold spell. My mother-in-law who lives in Alabama (it is usually in the lower 70's during the month of January) said it was in the lower 40's and had gotten down into the 30's overnight. She had to turn on her furnace, which are wall unit that burn natural gas, but in no-way would I consider it a furnace. It only heats the room in-which it is located in, so it does not distribute heat through-out like my Real furnace does.
It stays so warm down in Alabama, that most people don't have garages, they have car-ports. It just covers the top of the car with 2 sides exposed and 2 sides closed to the elements. Here we have to have garages or the weather will damage our vehicle's.
In the summer we have BAD storms. Tornado's and hail to the point that if your vehicle's are outside, they will receive some sort of damage from it. And then you have our blistering winters with (minus) degree's of coldness and ice to the extreme of losing power for days until the electric company can make it to your home. If you live in the country you may be without power for weeks. Most have generators to use so that you can have heat and minimal lighting at night.
Years ago in March of 1990 (on my birthday to be exact) we had a very bad Ice storm that last for 3 days and 2 nights. The ice was 4 - 6 inches thick on the power lines and trees, which made them snap in two. We had a tree that was many years old. It decided that it could no longer take the weight of the ice and snow. Well, it broke onto our house, luckily it landed more so on our garage instead of the house and didn't expose us to the cold, but sure did scare the shit out of me when it hit the house/garage and made the most god-awful sound.
We were stranded in our house for 4 days without power or heat. The Governor had made it a State of Emergency and you could only be out if it was an emergency and if caught they would prosecute you to the fullest extent of the law.
We had snowmobiles and were able to get to family and friends who needed medicine or food. We used the fireplace that we had in our family room for heat and cooking. We shut off the other rooms with plastic to keep the heat in one room and cooking off the fire. We unfortunately did not have a Generator and could not fine one or a vacant hotel within our city limits or next city over. Everything around us was sold out or occupied. Not even milk or bread was available for weeks until the ice and snow melted to be able to get trucks into our city. It was a mess.
I remembered reading somewhere that 9 months later from the date of the storm there was recorded record amount of babies born ever in our city. I guess we all know what most couples were doing with their time being shut in their house with nothing else to do but make babies.
It was a fun time although I was sick to death of Chili and Soups. That was all we had to make over a open flame and couldn't find anything else in what few stores that were open.......and even that was very limited. Some stores stayed closed for almost a month before they re-stocked their inventory to open back up.
We have had a few more Ice storms since. We even had one a month ago, but nothing compared to that one. I think it made history for the longest and most dangerous Ice storm on record for the Mid-West.
Oh well, I don't think our community could take another jump in the population like it did back then. We would need to build on to our maternity wards in our 3 hospitals, cause god knows just the 3 wards that we have is nearly not enough. They were birthing babies in the Emergency Rooms because they had ran out of rooms and space within the hospital. Now that's bad.
Monday, January 12, 2009
Why?
Why is it that I change back to Blogger/Blogspot and have to regret it?
I received a strange email today from some person/lady who said that she has been receiving emails addressed to me, but are being sent to her address.
This person(s) email is a work email, but in no way is it me or mine. This person also said that she thought maybe they (blogger) had published the wrong address for a while now. But that can't be, I said, because I have received some emails from some of my readers as early as this morning and they came to me?
This young lady explained that she use to blog, but no longer because something very close to this happened to her and she had gotten into some trouble for it from her employer.
I know that there is a lot of "Cat's" in the blogsphere and it is confusing........maybe due to the lack of imagination on my part (who knows) and I have been concern to the fact and have even thought about changing my user name and even my blog, but what would I change it too?
Who knows, I just know that I'm sick to freaking death of blogger or blogspot I should say, fucking up my stuff!
I received a strange email today from some person/lady who said that she has been receiving emails addressed to me, but are being sent to her address.
This person(s) email is a work email, but in no way is it me or mine. This person also said that she thought maybe they (blogger) had published the wrong address for a while now. But that can't be, I said, because I have received some emails from some of my readers as early as this morning and they came to me?
This young lady explained that she use to blog, but no longer because something very close to this happened to her and she had gotten into some trouble for it from her employer.
I know that there is a lot of "Cat's" in the blogsphere and it is confusing........maybe due to the lack of imagination on my part (who knows) and I have been concern to the fact and have even thought about changing my user name and even my blog, but what would I change it too?
Who knows, I just know that I'm sick to freaking death of blogger or blogspot I should say, fucking up my stuff!
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