Well I'm starting to get back to Normal.......If there will ever be a normal for me and my family. I think this has been the hardest thing ever to deal with and know that she will never be back. Hard, very hard.
I've checked into some online SIDS information and support groups and have learned so much about this aweful syndrome. It's just so un-explainable, we really don't know that much about it and there is so much that is still not known about this, like why or who or treatments.....nothing. The only thing I have found is that the medical field believe that a babies brain stem that tells a child to breath is under developed and forgets to tell the baby to breath and they die from failure of breathing.....crazy!
On to other things..........Last week I woke up to my right hand numb. Like so numb that I couldn't use it. I thought I had over extended it in my sleep or something. It swelled to twice it's normal size. I put a brace on it and then ( as if my luck isn't been shitty enough) I woke up two days later to my left hand doing the same. Now, I have a brace on both hands and the Doc is telling me I have Carpol Tunnel in both, right hand is much worst then the left, I still can't type with anything but my index finger on my right hand. It sucks, badly.
I keep telling my husband that I'm cursed. Someone has put one hell of a curse on me I just know it. I really am starting to believe it too. He keeps telling me that everyone goes through bad times, but I'm thinking its more then just a "Bad Time", it's down right shitty times and I'm in need of a break real soon or I'm gonna hurt someone. I would hate for a stranger to get crappy with me right now, I would probably go crazy on them or hurt them, that's how mad I am at the world.
Last week I had a lady got snippy with me at the grocery store about a cart or something, I can't really remember now, because I snapped on her like a crazy women. My husband ran up to me and took my arm and started walking away and telling the women that "I wasn't myself right now and please excuse me". The whole time I was saying "I am too myself and let go of me" He was sqeezing my arm and whispering in my ear to behave. It's funny to me now, but at the time I was stark crazy and it even scared me at the moment it was happening. For one reason is I can't remember why or what was even said and that's not good. Oh well, I live in a fairly large city so I may never run into her again or at least I hope I don't or I may have to be nice to her and tell her how "Sorry" I am.
Well I hope you all have a great weekend and try to do something fun.
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4 comments:
I think to an extent we all have crazy moments like you describe. I went through a period of time in my life where I did risky things like wlaking down dark ally's alone - because I knew if someone tried anything with me I would beat the crap outta them...so I hear you.
SIDS is so tragic and more research needs to be done on it, because there is just no easy answr out there for it.
I think venting at the grocery store was exactly the right thing to do! One can only keep so much bottled up inside.
I think about you often and wish you the very best.
Someone said some crap like we have to go through dark times to appreciate when things are good.
Hang in there. Tie a knot in the end of your rope if you have to. There is the other side and you will make it...it just a bunch of crap to get through until then.
Continued prayers for you, Cat. Always.
Are we going to have to get you a Hannibal Lechter mask...
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