Back in the Real World!

Glad to be back. Glad to be feeling well enough to ......well, "just be". This absence as been much needed. I'm free at the present and not asking for much else, but being free for today. Who knows what next month will be, so today is all I'm asking for.

I've been very lucky then most with this awful disease. I've not lost my mane, I've not been to sickly, just enough to keep me from posting, but I've lost some things since I've written on here.

Life is funny. You may win the battle, but be sure you won't win the fucking war. That is how I look at these last months. I have been given a second chance at life and be such I don't ever take that for granted, but in the battle I have become dependent on these messed up meds they have kept me on and now I'm wanting to be free of them and not able to do so on my own........How messed up is this, I needed them to get through my day without curling up in a ball and laying in bed crying for death as a relief from this cruel disease and now that I have been given the chance we all have asked for when told you have the "C" word and now I have another battle on my hands, Pain pill dependency.

I have been honest with my Husband and family. They have been total Rock Stars about it, but I feel like a child who needs help with something I have no control over. That is how I feel, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. They tell me I do, but if you ever have had this problem you know what I'm saying.

It grabs you and before you know it, it has you at it's grasp and won't let go. It takes your soul, your personality, your smile, hell, it takes your whole fucking life!

Last month, after getting the WONDERFUL NEWS, I decided to stop taking all my meds, with my Doctors support of course (but not saying Pain meds only). After about 1 day I was sicker then I have ever been in my life. I called my Doc and told him I needed to come in and see him ASAP, he granted me the appointment right away. I told the Doc I thought my Cancer had returned, because I have never been so sick, he asked what was it differently I was doing or not doing, I told him I had stopped all meds. He looked at me like he had just seen my head do a 360 and asked why would I stop my pain meds? I told him I felt like I didn't need them anymore since I had a good report and stopped them the day before. He informed me that I was to start taking them (pain meds) again and to not stop without his prior consent and then he called the nurse to come in and give me a shot of Morphine to boot, along with another full prescription of more pain meds!

I called my husband to come and pick me up, since I felt that I couldn't be safe driving home. I told my Hub's what my doc said and he just sat there and didn't know what to say. After getting home I slept for 6 hours before waking to my nephew standing over my bed asking my Hub's if I was dead? (That image makes me want to cry every time I think of it). i ask hub's what he thinks I should do and he claims that we take it slow, very slow. He said he did some research on the Internet (I don't know how much I trust that) and I could become great fully sick or even die if I was to just completely stop taking all pain meds. That he read that I should wean myself off of them and not to be so hard on myself if it takes more time then I think it should. That everyone is different and every one's body is not made the same.

So, that is the plan. I hate writing, FINALLY and dropping this on here, but I have to get this off my chest.

Let's see what is in the next chapter of life for me?