When?

My phone is still ringing. The doorbell the same, but still no Janelle. I keep thinking someone is going to ring my door and say "I'm sorry, we have made a mistake. This is all just a bad dream and you can wake up now". I beg of it, cry for it and have even bargained it all for it. Still nothing. The only sorry's I hear are with their sweet condolences of "I'm so sorry that you and your family lost your sweet Janelle".

I feel guilty that I loved her so much and became so close to her so quickly. She was the First thing I thought of every morning and the last thing I prayed for every night. Now, I pray for my daughter and son-inlaw. I pray that they have some peace among all this craziness. I hope it comes, even though I know it will take time, a lot of it, I'm sure.

Yesterday was my 1st day back at the office. As I came in I noticed some people kept from having eye contact with me, I know what they are thinking "If I look at her I'll see her pain or she may break down crying or I just don't know what to say". I know what they all are thinking. I'm not judging them. The many that have stopped by my office throughout the day to give me a hug or just listen to me keep asking why or going over every detail of that aweful day, I thank them and I thank the one's who can't look me in the eye, because I know that they love me and the pain is too great to see it in my eyes. I still love them just as much and understand.

When I came in yesterday the sun was just coming up and since I'm on the top floor I can look out over the city and see the Hospital where Janelle was born and left this world. I just set and stare out my window until someone knocks and sticks their head in to say "you o.k.?" then I try to put on a smile and acknewledge them and then go back to trying to read a form or make a call to then slowly staring back out the large window in my office.

My daughter called me 1st thing this morning to tell me that the Funeral Home called and said Janelle was ready to be picked up. She almost sounded relieved to go and get her and have her back at home even though it will be in a urn. A lot of people have asked "why Cermation?" Because my daughter said she could not bare having Janelle not with her. I understood, I just don't understand why some family members believe it is their right to express their feelings about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS! IT'S ABOUT ASHLEY AND BRICE'S YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just don't understand some people and worst of all it is the elder's of the family. Great Grandparents who only seen her ONCE, One time and never came to the hospital when Ash was in 37 hours of labor or even to the several Baby Showers that where given, No, they, Ash and Brice had to take Janelle to you and you made a 30 minute window to see her and never even held her, then you want to cry and throw a fit at the hospital, like she was your world, then when the Coroner asked her name to you both, YOU BOTH MIS-PRONOUNCED HER NAME IN FRONT OF US ALL! NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS! Judge away til your hearts content please.
Just stay the fuck away from me and mine and keep your opinions to yourself, we no longer care about your beliefs or religion.......Nope, don't care!

Rant over! I just know they are watching and reading everything they can get their hands on because we have shut down all communication on their side and are much better for it!

I want to thank all of you for your prayers and words. They help, they really do.

The Worst Day of MY LIFE!

On March 25, 2009 my daughter gave birth to the most beautiful baby Girl. Her name was Janelle Ashlyn Patterson. She was my light. She gave me a purpose to this crazy life I have been living the past few months.

On June 17th, 2009 at 10:50am my daughter went to check on Janelle in her crib, taking her morning nap and found Janelle not breathing. She called 911 and started CPR on her daughter. She called me when she got to the hospital and told me that my Baby granddaughter has stopped breathing. I don't remember much from that other then they could not revive her and she past away.

My light, my life, FUCK IT, MY WORLD has stopped and I can't breath because this pain is to much to bare. Seeing my Baby holding her dead baby girl is too much for anyone to bare and asking her mother "Why mommy?". I have no answers. At first I thought I may do something stupid, because of this pain, but I know that my daughter needs me and right now we are like to boards leaning against each other, trying to keep each other up.

They have put on her Death Certificate SIDS "Sudden Infant Death Syndrome".

Back in the Real World!

Glad to be back. Glad to be feeling well enough to ......well, "just be". This absence as been much needed. I'm free at the present and not asking for much else, but being free for today. Who knows what next month will be, so today is all I'm asking for.

I've been very lucky then most with this awful disease. I've not lost my mane, I've not been to sickly, just enough to keep me from posting, but I've lost some things since I've written on here.

Life is funny. You may win the battle, but be sure you won't win the fucking war. That is how I look at these last months. I have been given a second chance at life and be such I don't ever take that for granted, but in the battle I have become dependent on these messed up meds they have kept me on and now I'm wanting to be free of them and not able to do so on my own........How messed up is this, I needed them to get through my day without curling up in a ball and laying in bed crying for death as a relief from this cruel disease and now that I have been given the chance we all have asked for when told you have the "C" word and now I have another battle on my hands, Pain pill dependency.

I have been honest with my Husband and family. They have been total Rock Stars about it, but I feel like a child who needs help with something I have no control over. That is how I feel, I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS. They tell me I do, but if you ever have had this problem you know what I'm saying.

It grabs you and before you know it, it has you at it's grasp and won't let go. It takes your soul, your personality, your smile, hell, it takes your whole fucking life!

Last month, after getting the WONDERFUL NEWS, I decided to stop taking all my meds, with my Doctors support of course (but not saying Pain meds only). After about 1 day I was sicker then I have ever been in my life. I called my Doc and told him I needed to come in and see him ASAP, he granted me the appointment right away. I told the Doc I thought my Cancer had returned, because I have never been so sick, he asked what was it differently I was doing or not doing, I told him I had stopped all meds. He looked at me like he had just seen my head do a 360 and asked why would I stop my pain meds? I told him I felt like I didn't need them anymore since I had a good report and stopped them the day before. He informed me that I was to start taking them (pain meds) again and to not stop without his prior consent and then he called the nurse to come in and give me a shot of Morphine to boot, along with another full prescription of more pain meds!

I called my husband to come and pick me up, since I felt that I couldn't be safe driving home. I told my Hub's what my doc said and he just sat there and didn't know what to say. After getting home I slept for 6 hours before waking to my nephew standing over my bed asking my Hub's if I was dead? (That image makes me want to cry every time I think of it). i ask hub's what he thinks I should do and he claims that we take it slow, very slow. He said he did some research on the Internet (I don't know how much I trust that) and I could become great fully sick or even die if I was to just completely stop taking all pain meds. That he read that I should wean myself off of them and not to be so hard on myself if it takes more time then I think it should. That everyone is different and every one's body is not made the same.

So, that is the plan. I hate writing, FINALLY and dropping this on here, but I have to get this off my chest.

Let's see what is in the next chapter of life for me?

Happy V-Day!

How was your Valentines Day?

I had an unusual valentines. My girlfriends ask me to go to a concert to see Lonestar. Unusual yes, I know, but I have been married for years and I really don't care much for all the hype.

In my eyes V.D. day is a Hallmark commercial and really nothing about love. So, 6 of my girlfriends decided to go to a concert and the hubbies decided to play cards.

We get down to the capital and park. When going in I notice our tickets are second row, center stage....(yea baby).

So we get seated (which I can't stand to be on the end, but like to be second or third from aisle......O.C.D. kinda thing) we get comfy and then the AWESOME show started. This was one of the most awesome shows I have ever, NO EVER, EVER! seen.

Daisy (real name hidden for protection) works for a concert promotion company and she knows everyone, we have great seats. The shows starts and I'm enjoying myself, singing, dancing and forgetting my life for a moment. Then HE sings a song that I'm totally digging. I'm singing and laughing and getting it on, then I have a guy walk up to me and said " Jason would like for you to come back stage" Jason? who is Jason? I don't know a Jason in this band........Well, there is a Jason, I didn't know that they never give out their real names! Most bands do, Right?

Not, all.

I asked that we all get to come backstage or "No Go". No problem he says and hands us all necklace passes....................HOLY SHIT!

Needless to say, I'm a total good girl the whole time, but really enjoy myself. All of us girls get their autographs and get to keep our backstage passes. Had dinner or what you may call dinner, but tons of drinks and had the most AWESOME VALENTINES DAY EVER!

Yes I told hubby and he digs it. He reminded me of the first concert we ever went too, when I got Tommy Lee's autograph and a ask backstage, but of course I was with my soon to be hubby, so I couldn't go....................but funny how he remembers.

I have to say being in my forties I thought I had lost it or on my way of losing it. Goes to show ladies forties is just a number, it's all in how we carry it.

BEST VALENTINE IN MY FORTIES!!!

LADIES WE KICK ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Victoria is Burning!

I'm sending this out to all my Aussie Friends. I hope you and your are safe and sound. I believe this is the saddest thing I have ever heard of in my life.

The last report I've heard was over 700 homes lost and 30 people reported dead and they believe that is a low report of the deceased.

Some of these people actually died in their cars, burned to death. I just worry about our wonderful friends Australia.

Be safe and take care of each other.

I wonder if the Red Cross has set anything up for donations. Something to check into.

Change

I was always a school geek. Loved it! Never missed unless I just couldn't get out of bed, but most of the time I would force myself up and at 'em and attend class.

The summer after graduating I worked for our local newspaper. I worked side by side with the Editor. The paper was owned by a local family who had 12 children who all worked at the paper. Being Greek, they were very close net and each day at noon the mother, who at this time was in her late 60's and the grandmother who was in her late 80's, would come into the paper and cook lunch for all the employee's. I became quite close to this family and looked forward to work everyday.

At Christmas time, my first few years at college I would come home and attend their family Christmas parties and during each summer worked for their newspaper. They kept certain employee's as family members and I was lucky enough to be one of them.

As years went on I became per vie to private information regarding the finances of the Newspaper. Knowing that they were on borrowed time before the bank came in and shut us down, I watched long time employee's walk out the front doors for their last time. It was very depressing saying goodbye to people who you spent more time with each day then your own family, but understanding what kind of decisions this family had to make to stay alive and employed.

During the last few months before the final days, I seen this family take upon them a lot of stress. Unbearable stress. Heart attacks, strokes and even suicide of one of their own children. Unbearable.

Knowing my time had come I said my goodbyes, but spoke of coming to see them as much as my life would allow me to, I had heard mention of moving out of state for a lot of the children and the parents had talked of moving to their Florida home for good and selling their home here. Time went on and print machines had been removed and the auctioneers were on the premises and appraising everything that would sell. It was a sad site.

I being young, but knowing that I hated change and always had a hard time with it, couldn't help but think of me.....what will happened to me, where would I go, what would I become? I only allowed myself to think of this for seconds before I would think of this wonderful family that had taken the time to teach me so much. Much more then just business, but what family is really about and how tough times can come to your door, but it's all in how we react, then the what IFS. The what IFS are controllable by our reactions. We control our own destiny.

We. Control. Our. Own. Destiny.

Many of us are feeling the fears of the "What IFS". I have had to control my urge to run out and panic. I will in the next few days walk out the front door for the last time. I know this to be true. I have told those that work with me, so that they can be prepared, but how do they prepare themselves to something so devastating. Something like un-employment, when the economy is so bad right now and there is nothing on the horizon for them just unemployment benefits that barely, if at all, can pay a utility bill or car payment.

I was told by a friend who had to apply for benefits that there is a 3 to 4 week wait before you receive your first benefit check. Some of these people can't wait 3 -4 weeks before they can feed their children or even worst have their utilities shut off.

Who is gonna be here for these families with small children. What will happen when they have no heat and no where to go, but their cars or vans to live. My heart breaks and there is not a damn thing I can do but offer them a meal and a bed. I will fill my house to capacity, I will offer all I can and hope some take the offer. I feel this is the very least I can do. My husband feels I have lost it and gone around the bend of craziness, but I have to do this or I will worry myself until I become sick.

I cry for these people and even for myself, because I know I can not continue this for long before I will have to make a judgement call regarding my own family. They have to eat and be taken care of also.

I'm sad today and I not really sure what the future holds for any of us. Just because today is good, does not mean that next week our financial rug could be pulled out from under us. It shows that we all will be affected by this, all of us.

A Little Bit of Everything

O.k. boys and girls, today's post is a little bit of this and that, why you ask?.......um, because it is my blog ya know and the fact that it has gotten a little to serious for my taste here at the Purrrfect Kitty.

So I was watching some telly the other day and they had a documentary on Coal Miners in the State of Virginia. 1st, I have to say that Coal Miners are probably the bravest M.F.'s I know. I could never go down so deep-miles into the earth with nothing but a little flash lite on my hat to see with, in pitch darkness, H.E. double hockey sticks NO! As I have mentioned before that I'm deathly afraid of the dark and that is one thing I know will never grow out of or change.

So, back to the Coal Miners. Did you know back in the early 1900's when they found this black wondrous stuff (Sidebar: not when IT was FOUND, FOUND. Just found in the Virginia area. So don't write me....FINGERS with the actual dates and names or chemist diagram of the sort....no, no. No need) these men would dynamite these huge mountains and dig down into the earth to find this black gold to sustain transportation for trains and heat for our homes and many, many other wonderful things.

Chances are, all of us have had family members who sacrificed their life and health to make our life, back then, a little more comfortable. I know my great-grandfather (and probably great-great) was a coal miner and so was my grandfathers on both sides of my family and the same for my hubby's family in Alabama.

When Hubby's grandfather passed away, we were in Alabama at his home, sorting through his belongings, we found a black book, it was small like the size of a small address book. He had all these numbers listed with dates beside them. "This was his Payroll Booklet" my Hubby's grandmother said. I about freaked out over what these men made for a living.....PENNIES a day!

I seen in 1932 in May he made $90 in one month and that was considered substantial amount of money for a family.....a family of 5 kids and 2 adults.

I have true admiration for these men who risked their life's to make our ancestors life more comfortable.

Back to the show, my OCD is in high gear today.......as the show went on, giving out all kinds of information, there was one part I found the most interesting. Back in the 30's the men were given Red Bandanna's to wear while working to help with keeping the sweat out of their eyes and cool off during breaks by dipping the bandanna into cool water and tying around their necks.

This bandanna (only given to Coal Miners) became a sign of stature. If a gentleman was seen with a bandanna tied around his neck then it was assumed that he was higher up on the income pole.

As time went on, the name "Redneck" was given to these men and with that name came a symbol of affluence. So, to be called a "Redneck" was compliment.

So, there you go boys and girls you have learnt sumting here taday ;)

Now for your entertainment or mine, not really sure. Here is a FYI.

I love watches, all kinds. Mostly large men watches. I not really sure why I have such a obsession with them so, I am normally late to work every morning or anywhere for that matter. (not really everyday, but sometimes, cause I get away with it).

I have had this obsession for years, probably since I could tell time. I remember the first watch my mother had given me, it was a Snoopy watch for girls. Now, I loved me some snoopy, but it was a girls watch. I wanted the G.I. Joe Army watch with all the bells and whistles and army green band. My mother insisted that I keep the "girls" snoopy watch and give my brother back his G.I. Joe watch.

My mother proclaimed that I had too little of wrist and hands and couldn't keep it on without it falling off and losing it in time. Well I gave it back to my brother but still had it in my mind that he would eventually get tired of his watch and take it off for sometime and forget about it, making it mine to take when he forgets about it and moves on to play his Robot Commando or if he had a friend over they would play Rock'em Sock'em Robots (I hated it when he wouldn't let me play this game when his friends were over, cause I would kick his ass every time).

So, back to the watches. I have always loved big, men's watches. I'm still cursed with the small wrist, but I make due and now days you can find women's larger watches that look like men's and when I do I buy them up in every metal, color or band style they have.

When I graduated from High School, most of my friends wanted money or cars (I already had a car) I wanted a Rolex ( I had never heard of Tag Heuer .....YET) and I thought since I had graduated with honors that I was really going easy on them regarding the cost.......hell, some of my friends had received Trust Funds and Exotic trips before college. All I wanted was a Rolex, a good Rolex, a men's Rolex.

Well, my mother wouldn't have it. She bought me a Rolex.......a Rolex with a dainty little black velvet band with a small tiny face with diamonds around the face and in place the 12, 3, 6 and 9. I hated IT! Hate IT!

Granted, I hear all of you moaning......well, you ungrateful little bitch, you should have your ass beat for even asking for such a gift at 18 years of age. your probably right, but my mother was quite comfortable in her finances and could afford pretty much what she could or would ever want in life and I don't want any of that "Oh you were a rich bitch with wealthy parents" Well, you got the "wealthy parents" right, but in no way was I ever rich and was reminded of such my entire youth. This is my mothers statement: Your stepfather and I work hard for what we have and the point is, I will take care of you and take you through college, but after that, what is mine is mine and yours is yours. Capche'? Me: Capche' mother.

Well needless to say she took the watch back I received my 1st Rolex, a Men's Rolex when I graduated College...............I paid for half.

My stepfather and mother never really spoiled me and my 2 brothers. They gave what we needed and somethings we wanted, but mostly just what was needed and not much more. We went on nice vacations and had one of the nicer homes in our neighborhood, but none of this really came until after my Father and Mother were divorced and we stayed poor for a few years just getting by on mothers Therapist income (as a single mother) and only her income. My father never paid her support and my brothers father paid very little for the 2 boys.

When mother met my stepfather is when we became very comfortable or I should say she became VERY comfortable. Granted my father was wealthy and my stepfather was wealthy, but my mother never was independently wealthy, she made sure the men in her life made her that way..........smart some say, very un-happy and sacrificed a lot for men I say.

In my house growing up, everything was a chart. Her chart consisted of several things, but the most common one was the "WANTS, NEEDS, MUST HAVES and DREAMS" if you wanted a pair of jeans that costs over her allotted amount of $19.99 Levi's then those were considered WANTS and you would list it under the WANTS column. If they went above and beyond her acceptable amount of "no more then $30.00 for a pair of Calvin Klein's" well then, those could be considered "DREAMS" cause you were DREAMING if you thought she was gonna pay over $30.00 for you a pair of jeans and she really didn't care if they were Calvin Klein's or if the Pope made and blessed them, cause she wasn't about to pay that much for a pair of jeans.
$25.00 was the limit.

I could say my mother taught me a lot about needs, wants and such, but I still pay way too much for purses, shoes and yes, even jeans. I've had to pinch myself many times when my daughter was growing up. She would ask for something and I knew she really (1. didn't need it or 2. was hustling me to get it). The chart would bounce up in my head and I would find myself starting to analyzing everything, to point where I would just give in and buy whatever she wanted just so I wouldn't be like my mother.

Funny, how we say we will never "do this" or "say that" when we were kids, but once we grow up and are confronted with the same situations as our parents and before you know it, we've become them.