My phone is still ringing. The doorbell the same, but still no Janelle. I keep thinking someone is going to ring my door and say "I'm sorry, we have made a mistake. This is all just a bad dream and you can wake up now". I beg of it, cry for it and have even bargained it all for it. Still nothing. The only sorry's I hear are with their sweet condolences of "I'm so sorry that you and your family lost your sweet Janelle".
I feel guilty that I loved her so much and became so close to her so quickly. She was the First thing I thought of every morning and the last thing I prayed for every night. Now, I pray for my daughter and son-inlaw. I pray that they have some peace among all this craziness. I hope it comes, even though I know it will take time, a lot of it, I'm sure.
Yesterday was my 1st day back at the office. As I came in I noticed some people kept from having eye contact with me, I know what they are thinking "If I look at her I'll see her pain or she may break down crying or I just don't know what to say". I know what they all are thinking. I'm not judging them. The many that have stopped by my office throughout the day to give me a hug or just listen to me keep asking why or going over every detail of that aweful day, I thank them and I thank the one's who can't look me in the eye, because I know that they love me and the pain is too great to see it in my eyes. I still love them just as much and understand.
When I came in yesterday the sun was just coming up and since I'm on the top floor I can look out over the city and see the Hospital where Janelle was born and left this world. I just set and stare out my window until someone knocks and sticks their head in to say "you o.k.?" then I try to put on a smile and acknewledge them and then go back to trying to read a form or make a call to then slowly staring back out the large window in my office.
My daughter called me 1st thing this morning to tell me that the Funeral Home called and said Janelle was ready to be picked up. She almost sounded relieved to go and get her and have her back at home even though it will be in a urn. A lot of people have asked "why Cermation?" Because my daughter said she could not bare having Janelle not with her. I understood, I just don't understand why some family members believe it is their right to express their feelings about it, IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU AND YOUR FEELINGS! IT'S ABOUT ASHLEY AND BRICE'S YOU ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just don't understand some people and worst of all it is the elder's of the family. Great Grandparents who only seen her ONCE, One time and never came to the hospital when Ash was in 37 hours of labor or even to the several Baby Showers that where given, No, they, Ash and Brice had to take Janelle to you and you made a 30 minute window to see her and never even held her, then you want to cry and throw a fit at the hospital, like she was your world, then when the Coroner asked her name to you both, YOU BOTH MIS-PRONOUNCED HER NAME IN FRONT OF US ALL! NO! YOU HAVE NO RIGHTS! Judge away til your hearts content please.
Just stay the fuck away from me and mine and keep your opinions to yourself, we no longer care about your beliefs or religion.......Nope, don't care!
Rant over! I just know they are watching and reading everything they can get their hands on because we have shut down all communication on their side and are much better for it!
I want to thank all of you for your prayers and words. They help, they really do.
7 comments:
I feel bad that family members can be that way. I'm glad your dd has a supportive mother in you, I'm sure that means the world to her now. I can't believe people would act that way over THEIR decision with THEIR daughter...too bad. I pray for some sort of comfort for you all.
It sounds like tragedy is adding to tragedy and heartbreak and now is not the time for bad behavior on their parts... now is the time for support, unconditional support and love. If they cannot do that - then you are right to block them out. use your resources, your energy to support yourself now and your daughter. My prayers are with you both at this time.
And as far as loving too much... there is no such thing Cat. It is a gift that you were given and you gave your granddaughter all you had in her short life. You could not have done it any other way.
(hugs)
Cat, I think you are 100% correct. Keep those that care and understand close.
Thinking of you and wishing the best.
Thank you all so very much. I just never knew my heart could hurt so badly.
There are times I swear I can smell her, her lotion, the scent of her head. Yesterday I was digging through my purse and found her little cap and her Pacifier. It broke me half. I didn't think i could stop crying long enough to get home. I know in time it won't be so severe, but right now it's almost to much to bare. Thank you all so very much!
Cat, I can't begin to imagine the sort of year you're having; it's unspeakable.
But try not to make too many irrevocable decisions under this strain...
xxx
I am so very sorry for your loss. It has to be the most unfair thing to happen to a family. I have two sons and the thought of losing one of them....I can't even bear it. I know these are only words, but I just wanted to write and say I am so very sorry.
Cat...I didn't see this until just now. No excuse other than my crazy life.
My Mama's heart aches for you, for your daughter. Things like this that make no frickin sense whatsoever and have the ability to turn you inside out and leave you raw....it just doesn't make sense!
I would look you in the eye. I would cry with you.
I will pray for you, for your daughter, for her husband, for all who miss this angel.
Sorry doesn't even touch it, Cat.
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